Thursday Thirteen - Hong Kong edition

Yes, it's technically Friday here in Asia but it's still Thursday in the states so my list still counts as timely! I've been using local time for my posts since I've gotten here but this time, I'll make an exception.

1. I know you all want to hear about my trip but first things first. My first short story is going to be published!!! It'll be in Mosaic Minds in November. So check it out!

2. Our trip to Asia is great but it's going so fast. We love being a family again and I'm glad it'll only be three weeks until they're home again.

3. Two days ago we went to the New Territories which are on the Kowloon side close to the border with mainland China. They're still part of Hong Kong, kind of like suburbs. We were "sponsored" by a family of expats that are here working as missionaries and English teachers. They have four kids in school here.

4. We went to the school that their kids attend - it's a Chinese school, not an expat school. Four of the kids from the cast, including A-Girl were there. The school organized a big assembly for them and the kids sang a few songs and had the whole school sing along with Do Re Mi. Then the school gave them gifts - they each got a picture painted in Chinese style by one of the kids from the school and a beautiful placemat/chopsticks set.

5. We were able to talk to the school children during their recess and the kids were so excited to talk to us. They had the kids (including M-Girl!) signing autographs. I was even asked to sign some! M-Girl was a little overwhelmed - the kids would crowd around her, touching her hair and asking her name. She got used to it after a little while. Things were even better when one of the teachers gave her a "juice box" with chocolate milk. Chocolate milk is universal, I guess.

6. Because it was a Lutheran school, all of the kids had "Christian" names like Tiffany, Joanne and Ellen. One girl discovered that she had the same name as A-Girl and was so excited that she grabbed A-Girl's hand and pulled her all around the playground telling everyone that they had the same name.

7. I was surrounded by a group of girls when another girl came running over with a look of pride on her face. She held up a piece of paper so everyone could see. On it, she had the email address for one of the boys in the cast. He's a cute boy but I'm sure he doesn't get that same kind of attention from the girls back home!

8. The hallways have green and pink tile. The pink tile is in a line down the center. Teachers walk on the pink tile, children walk on the green tiles around the center - girls on one side, boys on the other.

9. We got to walk around the school and see the classrooms. We sat in on a Chinese language class, too. The teachers don't have desks in the classrooms. Instead, they all share one room that has three or four tables that run the length of the room. These tables are divided into small "desks" for each of the teachers. They have no private space. They have very little space at all!

10. Speaking of space, or lack thereof, we went to the expats' house for a brief visit. Pretty much everyone in this "sub-division" lives in one half of a duplex-type home. This family has four children, two boys (7 and 13) and twin twelve year old girls. The two boys share a bunk bed in a room that fits only the bunk bed. The two girls share a room that is essentially in the attic. The ceiling is so low, they can't stand up. M-Girl couldn't stand up straight! I am totally serious when I say that every single inch of space is used.

11. Yesterday we went to Aberdeen Harbor and Stanley Market. At Aberdeen, you can take a tour of the harbor on a Sam Pam, a boat that can fit 10 people max. Before you get on the boat, you have to negotiate the price with a weathered old woman in a woven hat. The man running the boat was nice enough to let me take a picture of him with the girls. He even let M-Girl help steer for most of the ride. She likes to be an active participant in things. We saw many fishing boats and we also saw where the boat people live. It's hard to believe that people live under those conditions but on the other hand, are government sponsored housing projects any better?

12. Stanley Market is incredible. We just didn't have enough time to do a lot of shopping. We're going to go back this weekend. I got some gifts for people and the kids got some clothes and the prices are amazingly low. A-Girl has grown about two inches in the last two months so she needed new pants! We had gone to a couple of other markets in central Hong Kong but most of the stuff there was cheap quality. Stanley Market is much better quality and there are also a few places to buy art. Big D and I have always bought at least one piece of art everywhere we've visited so we'll definitely get something there.

13. I saw the show from the audience on Wednesday night - I sat in the front row which wasn't bad at all because the stage isn't really high up. I can't describe the feeling of seeing A-Girl on the stage. My face hurt from smiling so much. The show is really good - I wasn't sure what to expect but the two leads are incredibly good, especially Jennifer Semrick who plays Maria. She's also a very nice person and has helped A-Girl (and the other kids) feel comfortable on stage. A-Girl loves her. A-Girl is doing well here but I can tell that she's really tired. Having us here has thrown her off of her schedule. She's been waking up earlier than usual, too which doesn't help. When she gets back from the show, she needs some time to wind down before she goes to bed. So she doesn't go to sleep until after midnight most nights. With M-Girl and I here, she gets up early but can't make up for it by going to bed earlier. This is a tough gig for an 8-year old. I was so proud of her, seeing her on stage putting on a great show with energy and enthusiasm, knowing how tired she is. I ask her every day if she likes it and if she's ok and she tells me how much she loves it. And she was so excited for me to be in the audience. I think she only wishes that M-Girl and I could be here with them full time. Maybe I could win the lottery . . .

Ok - I stretched my Thirteen to the breaking point. This was the first time I didn't have trouble thinking of 13 things to say! I promise to post pictures at some point - probably not until I get home, though. In the meantime, go check out other Thursday Thirteens, starting with Leanne. If you do a Thirteen, post a link in my comments and I'll come visit!

Jet setting

Hello from Macau! I'm sitting in the waiting lounge of Heli Express waiting for our helicopter ride back to Hong Kong. Big D and I took a whirlwind trip to Macau last night. Macau is Asia's answer to Las Vegas. We had his/hers massages last night, dinner at midnight at the Westin resort, a lovely buffet breakfast and then his/hers facials this morning. Now we're back at the heliport, waiting to get back to the kids. We're sooooooo relaxed.

The only sad thing is that we didn't have more time to spend here. We had a lovely ocean view room with a private veranda. The spa was awesome and the work out facilities looked really nice as I hustled past them on our way to check out. This would be a nice place to take a family vacation - there's a nice looking kids' club at the resort. It's a bit far from Chicago, however (but Sandra, if you all have time, it's probably not too far from Seoul!)

Well, time to go finish drinking my cappacino and eating the homemade Portuguese pizza. They also have pastries, sodas, ice cream and actual fresh cooked meals - all for the price of the helicopter ticket. Granted, the helicopter is quite a bit more expensive than the hydroplane or the ferry but takes only 15 minutes. The boats take 1 or 2 hours, respectively. This was totally worth it (and Big D, as usual, got an awesome deal by getting a heli/spa package that essentially got us 1/2 off the cost of the helicopter). I feel like a princess. Albeit a relatively old and slightly wrinkled (but very relaxed)one.

Starbucks worldwide

I'm blogging from the Starbucks across the way from the hotel. It's just like home - there's a Starbucks on every corner. They really are taking over the world. No joke. Not that I'm complaining. I'm sitting in a comfy chair with my grande skim latte, nice jazz music, my computer and free internet access. What could be better? The design of the store, the feel of the place, even the taste of my latte, is exactly the same as home. Even the prices are the same (after translating to US$). The only difference is that there is Chinese writing on everything along with the English. Go figure.

So - our visit is going great. It's really nice to be a family again. I keep staring at A-Girl. She's changed so much in two months! I imagine Big D feels the same about M-Girl. It's not a cliche - kids really do change fast at this age. When A-Girl first saw me in the lobby of the hotel, she ran to me and jumped into my arms, squeezing me half to death. I would have stayed there for eons but M-Girl was a little upset that A-Girl wasn't giving her a hug too. So I bent down and squeezed both girls for god knows how long. A-Girl had just gotten off the bus after the show so some of the rest of the cast and crew were standing around. It was a little overwhelming to M-Girl. We had just traveled for 15 hours to get there, barely had time to catch our breath and all these people were crowding around, wanting to meet us and ask us about our trip. We said some brief hellos and went back to our room. Like I said, it was awesome being a family again!

I saw the show for the first time yesterday but I got to watch from backstage. I was so proud of A-Girl. I couldn't really see everything from the wings but what I could see was amazing. She's so comfortable out there. She's also very professional. We didn't know that I was going to be backstage until the last minute so she had no idea I was there until she saw me before going on stage. She gave me a little wave and then went to work - no running to me, or getting out of the groove. She had work to do and she did it.

That's all I have time for now. We're meeting with Big D's relatives from Taiwan who came to visit. We're going shopping and for high tea at the Peninsula Hotel. Then Big D and I are taking a helicopter to Macau (which I keep calling "macaw" like the big dork that I am). We're getting lots of spa treatments and spending some much-needed time alone. M-Girl keeps asking why mom and dad need time alone. I told her that when she's grown up and a mommy she'll understand.

More when we get back!

Greetings from Hong Kong!

Just a quick note to say that M-Girl and I arrived in Hong Kong safe and sound. It was a really long flight but M-Girl did great! She's quite the world traveler already.

I can't even express how amazing it is to see and hold Big D and talk in person instead of on IM. It's overwhelming, really. Two months is a long time to be away from the love of your life, that's for sure. We're waiting for A-Girl to come back from the theater. M-Girl and I simply can't wait to see her!

Once we get our fill of family hugs and we get a little sleep, I'll give more details. The hotel is cool and there's lots in Hong Kong to blog about!

Thursday Thirteen

1. This will be very quick because M-Girl and I are going to Hong Kong today. Yippee! We can't wait to see Big D and the A-Girl. I am sooooo excited! There's good internet access there so I'll be blogging from Asia pretty soon. How cool is that?

2. I'm almost done packing but not quite and we have to leave for the airport in about two hours. Even though I know that it's not a good idea to leave things for the last minute, I still do. Maybe I'm addicted to the drama of the last minute.

3. I'm bringing three books with me to read on the airplane and whenever else I have time. I'm bringing Look Closer and The Night I Got Lucky by the nicest author I ever met (ok, she's really the only author I've ever met but she's really nice), Laura Caldwell. I'm also bringing Devil in the White City which is supposed to be fabulous and I've wanted to read for a looong time. I'm really excited to see my hubby and my baby girl!

4. I wonder if three books will be enough? The Laura Caldwell books aren't really long but Devil in the White City should take awhile. I'm also bringing two volumes of The Writer magazine. I love that magazine - it has so many great tips on writing.

5. I'll also spend some time on the plane working out the characters in the novel I really want to get working on.

6. And I should sleep a little too! But that might be hard because I'm sooo excited!

7. I won't forget M-Girl's "B", that's for sure. She also wants me to bring a fairly large squishy pillow for her. It'll probably be a pain to carry. When she asked if she could bring it, what do you think I said? That's right - "We'll see."

8. When I said "We'll see" what do you think M-Girl's response was? "You always say that!"

9. It seems like it would be a good idea to stop using those words as a crutch.

10. Did I mention that I'm really excited about this trip! Well, I am.

11. I might have to start doing the Thursday 10 (although it doesn't have quite the right ring to it) because thinking of thirteen things taxes my brain!

12. On the plane I hope they have a movie that M-Girl likes because I'm bringing my tablet PC and I don't have a disc drive on it so I won't be able to play her any movies. I kinda like it that way because then I can use my computer on the plane. But now that I think about it, my tablet has a great drawing program on it that she loves to use. So I guess I won't be able to use my computer unless she's sleeping. Or unless I can convince her to work on the coloring books and workbooks we've packed in her backpack. M-Girl's teacher was fabulous and put together a folder of stuff for her including math, writing practice and other fun stuff for her to do. She even put a box of colored pencils in there!

13. Gotta go get ready! I am soooooo excited!

Thanks for reading! Now go over and see Leanne for a list of other Thursday Thirteens. If you join us in the Thursday Thirteen fun, remember to post a comment with a link to your list here and we'll all come visit!

It would be nice, but . . .

When M-Girl was born, a friend of ours gave her a white fleece blanket from L.L. Bean with her name embroidered on it. She has slept with it virtually every night for five years. She calls it her "B" (instead of blanket). Well, she slept over at Super Boy's house on Tuesday night and forgot bring B home. We didn't discover it until bed time last night and Super Boy's family was not home so we couldn't go get it. She actually fell asleep ok without it but came tearfully into my room in the middle of the night saying "I can't find my B! Where's my B?!" Poor baby. I helped her calm down, promised we'd get it in the morning and let her sleep with me the rest of the night.

When she woke up, she sat bolt upright, terror on her face, saying "Where's my B?!" When I explained that it was still at Super Boy's house, she said "Well, can't you call them, have them put it into the phone at their house and then you can pull it out of the phone and give it to me?" I tried to explain to her that it wasn't possible to do that although I don't think she really believes me.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could do that? Think of the possibilities! Of course, the first thing I thought about is how cool it would be if you could order a pizza and not have to wait for delivery . . .

Pictures of the M-Girl

I finally got around to downloading some pictures off of the camera and I just had to post these because M-Girl is so damn cute!

Here's a picture of her before she went out with friends one day. She's gotten so confident in the last six months. It's great to see.


And here's a picture of M-Girl with her best friend, Super Boy. According to Super Boy, they are getting married. M-Girl is non-committal about the whole marriage thing right now. After all, she's only five. She's got a lot of livin' to do.

Playing with Google Images

CMHL has an interesting post today involving Google Images and I thought I'd join in the fun. You search Google Images for the name of your hometown, the town where you now live, your name, your grandmother's name, your favorite food, favorite smell (why? I don't know) and your favorite song and then post the images. So here goes:

My hometown is Highland Park, IL. It's rather boring and all I got in my search were pictures of other people's houses, a bunch of cars and a mugshot of a deadbeat dad. But then I found this picture. I know, we all hate Tom Cruise these days because he dissed on poor Brooke Shields for using drugs to deal with post-partum depression. Bad Tom. But I really liked this movie and most of it was filmed in Highland Park. I couldn't find a picture of the Risky Business house on Linden Street so I used this instead. At the time, it was really cool to see my hometown on the big screen.

Not surprisingly, there are lots of pictures of Chicago on the web. I tried to find a picture that wasn't the typical skyline and that was personal to me in some way but I couldn't find anything that was royalty-free or didn't have some other problem. So, fuck it, you all know what Chicago looks like. Moving on.

So I searched using "Jessica" and I couldn't believe I found this one. I mean, I'm Jessica! I'm delectable! And I am trouble! And I look exactly like Angie Dickinson! Ok, maybe not so much.

I then had a really hard time with the grandma search one. I couldn't decide which grandma to search and then I got sidetracked looking at some genealogy sites and then I did a search using Big D's grandma. Her name is Leone. I got a bunch of pictures of lions. If you knew her, you'd know that the lion thing kinda fits her personality.

My favorite food (if you can call it that) is cookie dough. Seriously. Left to my own devices on a particularly bad PMS day with some yummy cookie dough? Don't expect me to share. Lucky for me, it's more socially acceptable (and only slightly healthier) to eat cookie dough in ice cream. So here's my new favorite.

My favorite smell was the easiest. I love, love, love the smell of lilacs so I picked the first picture that came up in my search. Isn't that pretty? That is one thing about my hometown that was nice - there are lots and lots of lilac bushes so it smelled like heaven in the late spring.

And finally, I tried to pick a favorite song to search but I just couldn't do it. I don't have one favorite song or even one favorite singer, band or type of music. It's just too hard (whine, whine).

So, finally I'm done. It was kinda interesting but way too time consuming because I tried to find pictures with some interest. Most of the stuff you get on Google Images is rather boring. I was kind of surprised although I'm not sure what I expected. There's lots of interesting stuff on the Internet but there's also lots of boring crap. Ummm, I suppose that includes this post, doesn't it?

Random thoughts

First of all, I just need to say that I worked so hard in Tae Kwon Do yesterday that I can barely walk today. The instructor had me do about a million back kicks until I seriously couldn't lift my legs anymore. I've realized that for me it's more satisfying when my muscles hurt because I'm working on a skill than when I've just been through an aerobics class. At some point in the not to distant future, I'll be able to break a board with my bare foot. Aerobics doesn't promise that kind of excitement! The instructor told me that if I do 25 back kicks on each leg every day for two months, I'll lose two dress sizes, guaranteed. Which is nice but I wear a size 8-10 dress and I will never in my life be a size 4-6. Ever. But that's ok, if I get to a solid 8 and I don't jiggle quite so much, that'll be just fine.

M-Girl was awesome in Tae Kwon Do - she loves it and she works hard. The instructor is great with kids. He gets down to their level, gives high fives all the time and he notices when they are making a real effort and he rewards it. He knows when to be firm and when to be soft. M-Girl wasn't understanding the foot placement for a kick sequence so he put tape markers on the ground for her to practice on. She did those kicks about a hundred times until she got it right. No complaining. And she got her uniform (which she has been asking for every day since we started). It is way too cute. We got a size too big (because she's growing like a weed) and my mom is going to hem the arms and legs for her. Once it's done, I'll post a picture of M-Girl with it on. It's so damn cute!

I have a bunch of people coming over this afternoon for swimming and pizza so I have to do some cleaning. I'll make the beds, pick up most of the crap off the floor and empty the garbage. I'll probably run a broom around the floors too and if I'm feeling really ambitious, I'll Windex the mirrors! Whoo hoo! I really know how to have a good time. My house won't be perfectly clean - my desk is cluttered and there will probably be a few stacks of paper around the house. I used to be hesitant to invite friends over because the house wasn't clean enough. But now I've realized that our friends love us regardless of the shape our house is in and they'd rather see us and spend time with us now than wait until our house is clean (meaning, never).

I went to the opera last night - an attorney from D.C. that I work with invited me. She has awesome box seats at the Lyric Opera House and has been sitting in that box with the same group of people for eight years. They get tickets during the "out of towners" series - meaning pretty much everyone in the audience is not from Chicago, which is pretty cool. I've been to the opera with her a few times and everyone in her box is really nice. I love the Lyric - it's a beautiful building. I'm not really a big opera fan, though (although this was Cinderella and it was light, fluffy and funny). I was sooooo tired that I was falling asleep during the entire second Act and part of the first Act! Here's the thing that bugs me about operas - the plot moves at a snail's pace. They take twenty minutes to sing about a small point like "I'm not really the Prince's valet, I'm actually the Prince himself. This way I get to see how people really are." Ok, got it the first seventy times, don't need to hear you sing about it again. Really. The singers playing the Prince and Cinderella were awesome - they have incredible voice instruments but it gets old after a couple of hours. Four hours of that is way too much for me.

I submitted my short story! I was shaking when I hit the send button. I'm not even sure if I did it right but the publication doesn't seem to have any strict requirements (at least not that they show on the Submissions section of their website). So I'm hoping that if I did something wrong, they'll let me know. I'll keep you posted! So now the issue is whether I start working on some other short fiction or if I work on an actual novel. I had started playing with an idea for a book during my writing class and everyone was encouraging about the idea so maybe I'll keep running with that. I subscribed to The Writer magazine and it's got a lot of good stuff in it. It makes me want to write more to try out their suggestions.

That's about enough random thoughts for one day. At this point, writing this post has become more about procrastination than having anything remotely interesting to say. I'm off to clean! Wish me luck.

She's on to me . . .

The other day, I was joking with a friend about how I'm the Queen of "We'll see" because when my kids say stuff like "Promise we can go swimming tomorrow!" or "Promise I can have a sleep-over next weekend." I usually say "We'll see." I don't want to make promises that I might not be able to keep and unless I know that it's out of the question, I don't say no. (Ok, I admit, even when I'm pretty sure the answer is "no", I sometimes say "we'll see" just so that I don't have to argue.)

So, this morning M-Girl really wanted to lay in bed with me even though it was past time to get up. I said "Ok, I'll lay with you for a couple of minutes but you have to promise me something." (I was going to make her promise that she'd get up as soon as I said she needed to.) She says, "Why? You never make promises." I look at her, puzzled and she says "You always say 'we'll see' and you don't make promises." I want my kids to listen to me but I didn't want them to figure out my tricks and use them against me!

Thursday Thirteen

1. I'm so out of it, I almost forgot that it's Thursday and time for yet another addition of Thursday Thirteen! For some reason, I keep losing track of what day it is this week. And no, I haven't been drinking. Or smoking. Or popping pills, other than the usual. I'm just getting old.

2. M-Girl had a sleepover last night at our neighbors' apartment. They have two kids - a boy M-Girl's age and a girl that's a year or so younger. The girls slept in the same bed and apparently they woke up around 5:00 a.m. (according to the mom) and decided to watch Spongebob cartoons. M-Girl informed me that she and Hannah woke up "in the middle of the night and got to watch t.v.!" She was so excited to have done something so outrageous, I didn't have the heart to tell her that it was actually morning, even if it was still a bit dark.

3. I haven't been telling many stories about A-Girl and Big D's adventure in Asia because they aren't my stories and I don't want to steal any thunder from A-Girl and Big D. At some point, they might have their own blogs and I don't want them feeling like I've already told all the good stories to the blogosphere.

4. However, I really want to tell this one: The kids were lined up backstage for their curtain call. When they started running out on stage, the boy in front of A-Girl was moving kind of slowly and the girl behind her pushed her into the boy. A-Girl tripped on the boy's foot and somehow got dragged across the stage the rest of the way. She said when she stood up and took her bow, the audience started laughing and then she and the other kids started laughing and they laughed all the way off stage. I like this story not because I like to laugh at my daughter's misfortune but because it shows what she's learning through this experience. We all have times when we trip up but if we can have a good laugh and take it in stride, we'll be happier and healthier. I'm so glad that A-Girl can do that.

5. One week until M-Girl and I go to Hong Kong! Yipee!!! My wonderful husband is trying to plan a short (one day) getaway for the two of us so we can spend some much needed alone time together. Double yipeee!!! And thanks, honey!!!

6. My wonderful husband also invited my mother to come visit them in Hong Kong. How many men do you know that would voluntarily spend five days in a foreign country with their mother-in-law? Without their wives? Can someone let me know how to nominate him for sainthood?

7. I am going to the opera this weekend to see Cinderella. I'm not a big fan of the opera but I have a business acquaintance who invites us now and then. She always makes sure to invite me to the operas that non-opera lovers are more likely to enjoy. She's nice like that.

8. Did you know that I'm an expert procrastinator? Well, I am. In fact, I'm doing it right now. Hard to believe, I know.

9. I wrote a short story and tomorrow I'm going to submit it to an online publication. Wish me luck!

10. My mom is coming over for dinner and I can't decide if I should cook or if we should go out for dinner. I feel like I should cook but I tend to rebel against shoulds. Yes, I know that's really immature.

11. I know I say this every Thursday but it always amazes me how hard it is to come up with thirteen moderately interesting things to say! Normally you can't shut me up and now I'm at a loss for words. Go figure.

12. Being a "single" mom is harder than I expected. I have a lot of respect for single parents after this experience. There's so much household business that needs to be done on a daily basis and it's hard for one person to get it all done and still have time for themselves. Me, I just don't get as much done as I should (but see #10 above) so I have a little time to watch tv and knit at night. Honey - I always knew (and appreciated) that you took care of a lot of stuff but now I appreciate it even more!

13. I'm done! And because I'm too lazy to do all the links . . . oops, I mean busy, yeah, that's it. I'm too busy to do the links . . . please go see Leanne and check out the growing list of Thursday Thirteen participants! Also, if you do your own Thursday Thirteen, link to it in a comment so we can all come visit you.

Oh, Canada

We went to Canada about a year ago with the girls. We explained to them that Canada is a different country but clearly they didn't quite grasp the concept. At one point, A-Girl said "Mom, I think Canada is a really nice state." Big D and I quickly looked around to make sure no actual Canadians overheard and were offended. However, it's possible that a writer for the very funny publication The Onion overheard as evidenced by this article.

Personally, I don't get it

I mean, seriously - 16 kids? And they want more? How can two parents effectively raise that many children? We have enough trouble with two kids and two parents! Man-to-man defense and all. Do you think they remember everyone's name? And being pregnant SIXTEEN TIMES?! Given that a full-term pregnancy is approximately 10 months, she has been pregnant for around thirteen years! Holy shit! Can you even imagine the stretch marks you'd get from that many pregnancies? Or maybe there's a limit to the number of stretch marks you can get, because probably after being pregnant ten times your belly just stays stretched out.

I know, judge not lest you be judged but this is just a little bit scary. Don't you think?

Memories

I remembered something today that I haven't thought about in eons. I'm working on a short story. In the story, the narrator sees a friend from college that she hasn't seen in several years. He was someone she always had a thing for but never had the guts to tell him. It wasn't until I was re-reading the story this morning that I remembered my college crush.

So here's the story. The crush sort of started when I was a junior and he was a senior in high school. He was on the soccer team and I was a pom pom girl. (Ok, MIM, you can stop laughing now.) We would dance during the half-time of soccer games so we'd watch the first half and talk about the boys on the team. I thought he was cute but I never hung out with him and we didn't have any friends in common so I never actually met him until much later.

Fast forward to senior year and our so-called Penguins water ballet show. Yes, my high school had a water ballet club and yes, I was in it. No, I wasn't a total geek. Anyway, after the show, I saw him in the lobby talking with some of his friends. College boys! My girlfriends and I huddled together and giggled. I just remember seeing him and thinking damn, he's really cute.

The next year I went to the college where he was a sophomore and ended up in the same dorm. The first day I was there, he came to my room to say hello. He knew we were from the same high school and figured I might want to see a familiar face. It was then that the crush was official. Not only was he cute, he was thoughtful and friendly. In the next couple of days, he introduced me to his group of friends. They became my friends and although they were decidedly anti-"Greek", they still let me hang out with them after I joined a sorority. The group of us went through a lot together, including the death of a friend as a result of a stupid, beer-fueled stunt after a football game.

Through it all I carried a torch for my crush. All of our friends knew. I imagine that he knew, too although we never, ever talked about it. He just wasn't attracted to me, it's that simple. I wasn't his type and I had that figured out before the end of my freshman year. And yet the crush continued.

Now I realize that my crush on him kept me from developing feelings for anyone else during college. It protected me from taking the risks that come with seeking a deeper relationship. I knew all along that he and I would never be anything more than friends and, deep down, I probably liked it that way. I could live with the pain that caused me. It was the fear of really getting my heart broken that I couldn't deal with.

College ended and we didn't keep in touch. I don't remember thinking about him much at all after that. Other than our mutual college friends and growing up in the same town, we didn't have much in common. Our relationship, such as it was, had run its course. It's a weird feeling, being taken back so many years. I was a different person then and it's hard to put myself in the shoes of that person again. I know this, the current me wouldn't be interested in him - cerebral and quiet, lacking in passion. Rather boring, now that I think about it. But, as a friend, I think he was a comforting, stable presence in a time of emotional turmoil and growth.

It wasn't until I was ready to take the necessary risks that I met my husband who, in addition to being a comforting, stable presence, is also a passionate and enthusiastic person who loves me fiercely. My love for him often leaves me breathless and dizzy, something I never felt around my crush or any of the few "real" boyfriends I had over the years.

When I realized that I was in love with my husband, Elton John's song The One was playing on the radio. (Had I thought about this earlier in the week, this might have been my B4B entry!). This is the part of the song that hit me one night soon after we started dating.

In the instant that you love someone
In the second that the hammer hits
Reality runs up your spine
And the pieces finally fit
And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and I
No shadows block the sun
You're all I've ever needed
Baby you're the one

The day I met him, the first time he touched me - just an innocent pat on the back - I felt as if I knew him. As if the pieces finally fit. And I knew that he was the one. Given that we are both possessed of passionate natures, the part about stars colliding fits, too. It's a powerful love that we share. I'm glad my college crush didn't work out. It helped shape me into the person I am today, the person my husband loves. And for that, I'm wildly happy.

An unexpected lesson

M-Girl and I started Tae Kwon Do yesterday in a "family" class for all ages. Not only was it a good workout but we both learned some things. The instructor taught M-Girl how to back kick. He taught me that my name in the class is Jessica, not M-Girl's mom. It was a very gentle way to reprimand me for correcting her. I guess I'm more of a stage mom than I realized.

Thursday Thirteen

Ok - I know Thursday is almost over but I'll try to get a quick 13 things in anyway.

1. I haven't paid the ticket yet from the time my car got towed. It's sitting on my desk pissing me off. I need to pay that thing and get it out of my life.

2. I'm counting forwards this week, which is good. I guess.

3. After writing my Blogging for Books post, I'm even more into my music than I was before! When I went to pick up M-Girl from her playdate, I was blasting Can you take me higher by Creed and singing REALLY LOUD. And then there was I'm not your stepping stone by somebody else which is great, too. I was really bummed because I only caught the end of Time for me to fly by REO Speedwagon - talk about a high school anthem!

4. Since 3 was really long, this one needs to be short. Why? Because I said so.

5. Have I mentioned that I loved kickboxing? I did. But two nights later my muscles are still sore which kinda sucks but it does mean that every time I move my arms, I think about how much fun I had in that class.

6. Which reminds me - I need to go buy boxing gloves!

7. I'm taking M-Girl to Tae Kwon Do on Saturday. Well, actually, I'm going and I'm bringing her with me. It's a family class. I hope she likes it. Maybe when Big D and A-Girl get back we can all go together. You know the saying, "the family that Tae Kwon Do's together . . ." whatever.

8. Why is it so hard to think of 13 remotely interesting, funny or strange things to talk about when normally I can't shut up?

9. I love having my nails polished but I hate the fact that it chips off almost immediately and I always have to touch it up. I wish that they made polish that would never chip and when you wanted to take it off or change colors, all you'd have to do is wiggle your nose and blink like Samantha on Bewitched.

10. In fact, I think magic powers would be really nice. Like I'd love to clean up the clutter in my house but I'm just too busy blogging, thank you very much. But if I had magic powers . . . *nose wiggle* *blink* and it's done! Sigh. Oh, wait - I just realized that I'm combining Samantha and Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie. Even better - double magic powers! And blond hair! Cool.

11. Can you tell I like taking the easy way out when possible?

12. Like now, I could use what little energy I have left tonight thinking of something truly inspiring to say right now. But I won't because I'm just that lazy tonight.

13. Wow, I'm done. Yippeee! Now, I don't want you to think that I don't like Thursday Thirteen. I do. I'm just in a lazy mood tonight. Tune in next week for another - far more interesting - addition of Jessica's Thursday Thirteen!

Now, go see Leanne, the founding mother of the Thursday Thirteen and check out her Thursday Thirteen. If you do one of your own, post the URL in my comments and we'll all go take a look!

Possibilities

This is my entry into this month's Blogging for Books hosted by the very funny Joshilyn Jackson.

Music has always been a big part of my life and, in thinking about what to write for this month’s B4B, I realized that I have a close personal relationship with lots of songs. It was hard for me to pick just one.

At first I was going to write about Beach Baby by First Class – a Top 10 hit from 1974. We played that record at least a million times at my 10th birthday sleepover party. “Beach baby, beach baby, give me your hand. Give me something that I can remember-er-er. Surfin’ was fun. We’d be out in the sun every day-ay-ay ay-ay.” (Growing up in the suburbs of Chicago we could really relate to the surfing thing.) We played the 45 so many times that sometime around midnight my Dad threatened to break the record over his knee if we played that “goddamn song again!” (It’s that memory that prevents me – reluctantly – from telling the girls that if they play one more Hilary Duff song forty thousand times in a row . . . blah, blah, blah). I decided not to write about Beach Baby because I didn’t think one paragraph would be long enough to win B4B.

Seriously, though - there are tons of songs that I’ve thought about and listened to in the last few days trying to come up with the perfect one. Out of all the songs I had to choose from, one song kept popping into my head. Our Time from the Sondheim musical Merrily We Roll Along.

Merrily was a huge flop on Broadway (lasting only two weeks), probably because the story starts at the end and goes backwards in time making it a little hard to follow. I imagine that audiences didn’t want to work that hard. But the songs are wonderful – more melodic and less of an “acquired taste” than a lot of other Sondheim music.

When I was in college, I produced Merrily the summer after my sophomore year. I had only $5,000 that I somehow got the school to give me. I pulled it together, with an awesome (if small) orchestra, a hard-working cast and a director who was good but who was also a drunk (and a letch). Every night after rehearsal, I had to drive him to the corner store for a six-pack and then drive him home, all the while swatting his hands away from me. Which was hard since my car was a stick shift.

But I digress – Merrily is about the friendship of two guys who are a songwriting team. By the end (which is the beginning of the play), they have grown apart and become cynical. But at the beginning (which is the end of the play – I told you it was confusing), they were full of hope and looking forward to a great future. Our Time is a song about the possibilities of life. It’s hopeful. It was my favorite song in the show.

Something is stirring, shifting ground
It’s just begun
Edges are blurring all around and yesterday is done

Feel the flow, hear what’s happening, we’re what’s happening
Don’t you know, we’re the movers and we’re the shapers
We’re the names in tomorrow’s papers,
Up to us pal to show ‘em

It’s our time
Breathe it in, worlds to change and worlds to win
Our turn, we’re what’s new
Me and you pal, me and you

After I left college, I went to New York to start a career in theater production. As it turned out, theater jobs were hard to find and wouldn’t have paid the rent anyway. I worked at a talent agency and then at a couple of small television production companies until I left NY and went to law school. In three short years, I had become cynical. I had lost hope and gave up my dreams.

I turned 40 a year ago. As many people do at age-related turning points, I took stock in my life and realized that I needed to make some changes. I had lost a lot of myself when I became a lawyer, wife and mother. No one asked me to give anything up, it just happened. At 40, I was surprised to find that I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Something is stirring, shifting ground
It’s just begun
Edges are blurring all around and yesterday is done

Feel the flow, hear what’s happening, we’re what’s happening
Don’t you know, we’re the movers and we’re the shapers
We’re the names in tomorrow’s papers,
Up to us pal to show ‘em

It’s our time
Breathe it in, worlds to change and worlds to win
Our turn, we’re what’s new
Me and you pal, me and you

I think I got scared to put myself out there. When I was young, my expectations were too high and my failures (or what I saw as my failures) caused painful disappointment. I didn’t have the resiliency or the persistence to keep going. My fear kept me from taking chances.

Feel how it quivers, on the brink
What?
Everything

Gives you the shivers,
Makes you think there’s so much to stuff to sing

Me and you, we’ll be singing it, like the birds
Me with music and you with words
Tell ‘em things they don’t know
Up to us pal to show ‘em

When I turned 40 I had this weird thought – if I live to be 80, I have another whole life to live and I don’t want to blow it being afraid. In the past year I’ve started this blog, taken a writing class and picked up knitting again. I’m figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m starting to feel hopeful. I’m starting to take chances again. It feels good.

It’s our heads on the block, give us room and start the clock
Our time comin’ through, me and you pal, me and you
Me and you, me and you, me and you

Something is stirring, shifting ground
It’s just begun
Edges are blurring all around and yesterday is done

I think I’ve turned a corner.

Kickboxing kicked my ass

but I loved every second of it! Well, maybe not every second. The last fifteen minutes were really, really hard. I can barely type right now, my arms are so tired. Every muscle in my body is tired. What an incredible workout!

I was the oldest woman in the class (there was one man in addition to the instructor) and probably the most out of shape but it didn't matter. My (long-ago) dance training was really helpful. The class consists of short routines - like right leg roundhouse, jab, jab, cross, hook, back spin, back kick, roundhouse - that you do ten times each (on each side). The main problem I had was getting the spacing between my foot and the bag right. I was either too far away or too close half the time. It'll take me awhile before I can do the routines smoothly.

I had no idea how much fun it would be! And it felt great. I felt more powerful than I have in a long time (until the last 15 minutes of class - then I just felt like I needed oxygen.) I made arrangements with the babysitter to stay an hour later on Tuesdays so I can go to the class regularly. Now all I need to do is get my own boxing gloves - it was a little disgusting using the communal gloves. Your hands really sweat so think about what the communal gloves are like . . . ok, don't think about it. It's gross. Sorry. Just wish me luck in attempting to move tomorrow. I'll need it!

Random stuff

I got another TTLB promotion! I'm a Crawly Amphibian! Wow - where is everybody coming from and why aren't you commenting? (It's probably because of the Thursday Thirteen which I'll definitely do again this week).

Apparently you all don't like Monty Python songs. That's ok - this Friday I'll probably go back to music that's like a chick-lit equivalent. Deep songs sung by angst-filled women or something. Or maybe I'll go with something like Good Charlotte's The Anthem which I listened to this morning really loud on my iPod. I must be channeling some head-banging, disaffected teenager. It put a spring in my step. Really.

Speaking of head-banging, or not, I'm going to a kickboxing class tonight. Why? I just feel like doing something totally different and I'm pissed about the ten pounds I've gained over the last six months. And I'm feeling old and I don't like it so I figure I'll go to a class for young, fit people and feel like total crap tomorrow morning when I can't get out of bed. Seriously - I just feel like kicking something and thought this would be the least destructive way of doing it. Wanna bet I'll be the oldest woman there?

A new friend

Morphing into Mama and I had a wonderful and very long lunch yesterday at a little bistro near my apartment. She is as fabulous as you would guess from reading her blog. She's smart, funny, gorgeous, down to earth and really nice. She's going to make a great therapist (actually, she already is a great therapist she just doesn't have the degree yet). I just wish she didn't live so far away!

Thinking back, here are the expectations I had in writing this blog:

- working on my writing
- getting over my fear of writing "in public"
- having an outlet to express my feelings about various things
- sharing my life experience with other people in the hopes that things I've learned might help someone else.
- getting feedback from people about my writing and advice on various issues in my life

I hoped people would read my blog; I feared that no one would. I was so excited when I got my first comment - Sandra will always hold a special place in my heart for being the first person to comment! Realizing that I could insert a webcounter was a revelation - I could tell when people were reading even if they weren't commenting (or maybe they just stumbled on my blog and got the hell out of there as fast as they could but at least they were visiting, if only for a minute).
It didn't occur to me that this blog would help me develop a community. I have regular commenters (besides MIM and Sandra, there's landismom, a fab writer and one of the few people I "know" that really lives their values) and I have people that stop by on occasion. Like a "regular" community, an online community consists of people you see all the time and people you see every once in awhile. I read MIM, Sandra and landismom's blogs every day. I try to stop by the others on my list every couple of days and I try to add at least one new blog each week as a way of expanding my horizons (and increasing my community). It's the community that keeps me writing - I know how disappointed I am when one of my online friends doesn't post, I don't want to disappoint my regulars!

My one concern is that I've been spending so much time with my new online friends that I'm starting to neglect my old friends a little bit. I have to keep in mind the song I learned long ago in Brownies: Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold.

That's a good question

M-Girl and I went to The Gap last night to get her some clothes because despite the fact that I keep asking her nicely not to, she keeps growing. At the registers, they have glass bowls full of purple, sparkly lip gloss.

M-Girl pulled one out and said "Mom, can I have this?"
I said, "No, please put it back. Lord knows you have enough lip gloss."
M-Girl looks at me and says, "Who's Lord?"

Friday song

And now for something completely different . . . The Lumberjack Song by Monty Python! Why? Because I think it's hilarious and I figured we could all use a break from songs with actual meaning this week!
*************************************

Lumberjack: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day.

Choir: He's a lumberjack and he's OK, He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea.

Choir & Girl: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, He goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping, And has buttered scones for tea.

Lumberjack: [In unison with Choir] I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day.

Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars.

Choir: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing, And hangs around in bars?

Lumberjack: [In unison with Choir] I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day.

Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear papa.

Thursday Thirteen

I'm not feeling very creative today so I'll take a page from the other bloggers listed below and do a list. Feel free to join us. Just do your own Thursday Thirteen and send me a link in my comments. I'll add you to the list below! Thanks to Leanne by way of e for this idea!

13. I'm a bit superstitious so I'm a little concerned about making a list of 13 things.

12. I won't let that stop me, though.

11. Speaking of bad luck, my car was towed on Sunday from in front of my apartment building. It had flashers on and I think the jerk watched me bring my groceries in before he towed me.

10. When I went to pick up my car, I swore at the tow truck driver and called him an asshole (among other things).

9. Really loud.

8. It made me feel better even if it didn't help anything (and probably hurt because he then left my car at the waaaaay back of the lot).

7. I don't know why I'm counting backwards.

6. I'm going to a book launch party tonight for this author's latest book. The party is being thrown by my fabulous neighbor who is starting a party planning business.

5. I'm going to meet this online friend on Sunday and I'm really excited.

4. Go check out her site - she's really funny.

3. I like blogging more than I like working.

2. And that might become a problem at some point.

1. I had a much harder time coming up with 13 things to say than I thought I would!

Now go check out other Thursday Thirteens and send me a link to your Thursday Thirteens! If you send me a link, I'll add your link below.

1. Leanne at Artist by Nature
2. e at retrospect
3. mommy k at petroville
4. Uzi at Uzi's Musings
5. the Crusty Crone at Crone's Corner
6. Mary at Elsewhere
7. Keb at What the
8. Interstellarlass at Interstellar Adventures

Help Yourself

Hello. My name is Jessica and I'm addicted to self-help books. I admit that I am powerless over my addiction. I haven't quite gotten to the point where I give myself over to a higher power, though. I have to figure out which higher power is the appropriate higher power to take over for me. That's a pretty big decision, don't you think? The way the Buddha would handle things is far different than the way the Christian God would handle them or another (lower case) god like, say, Zeus would. What if I do pick Zeus and Hera gets jealous. Chaos, I tell you. You can't take this stuff lightly. But that's a topic for another post.

Amazon.com just makes my problem worse. I don't even have to drag my ass to a book store to feed my addiction. All I need is a computer and a credit card. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad (at least for our budget) if I just took the books out from the library. But I need the full, new book experience - the new book smell, the crisp, clean, unfolded pages, the unbroken binding. A new book holds the promise of redemption - I will conquer my clutter, get fit in 15 minutes a day and I will create my life from the inside out, Dr. Phil!

The new book experience also involves the search for the right book to fix the issue du jour, reading reviews and looking at various writings by the same author or by different authors on the same topic. Damn you Amazon.com, you make it so easy! Once the purchase is made, the anticipation begins - checking the account status and tracking the package every day. Oh, when will it get here? How could I have survived this long without the wisdom this perfect book will surely impart? My life will be so much better once I read this book! And then the book arrives. I can't wait to rip open the box and start reading. There's no doubt that this book contains the answers I need. This is the last self-help book I will ever need!

I read the book, devouring its pages without savoring them. No time to waste! This book has the answers. The quicker I read it, the quicker my problems will be fixed and I will live happily ever after. Isn't happily ever after the promise of the fairy tales I grew up on? Sometimes I learn things that I didn't already know, sometimes I make changes to my attitude or behavior in response to things I learned from the book. But more often, the changes go the way of all of my New Year's resolutions - I make a half-hearted effort at change and give up after about a month (or less). Apparently I haven't learned that change is really difficult. It actually involves work. I'm all about the "new book experience" and the reading. Not so much about the actual change part.

So there's the inevitable let down. The book didn't live up to its promise, my problem's aren't solved. The clutter continues to conquer me, I'm nowhere near fit and I haven't managed to create my life from the inside out. I swear that I'm not going to buy any more of those books. I try to convince myself that all the wisdom I need is inside of me and no book is going to give me any answers I don't already know. It's like dieting - we all know that we need to eat fewer calories than we consume and we need to exercise. There's really nothing more to it - you can try all the fad diets you want but they don't change the basic math of weight gain and loss. There's nothing that any diet book can teach us about losing weight that we don't already know. In that area at least, I'm not the only one who has trouble with the actual changing of habits part of the equation.

Despite my best arguments with myself about how no book will help me, in time, the urge to buy returns. Amazon.com, that bastion of evil, will send me an email enticing me to look at books that might interest me based on previous purchases, most of which were self-help books. And the cycle of addiction begins anew.

Now I have so-called "friends" enabling my addiction. Sitting by my feet at my desk this very moment are several self-help books given to me by one of these friends. There are a few books by Stuart Wildeand a couple by Don Miguel Ruiz. For some reason, these authors managed to escape my search for the perfect book. Even though I have several other books that are in my reading queue including the book noted in the margin on the right, as well as three books by this author (in a compilation edition),this book and this book, I'll probably go home tonight and spend at least a little time perusing the new books I got today. Even though they are slightly used books and don't give the full "new book experience," they'll do in a pinch.

I suppose at some point I'll make another effort to break the addiction. But now I have a good excuse for reading these books - I need to share what I learn with all of you. See how this works? I now have an obligation to read self-help books. So you don't have to. I do it all for you, my dear readers. Maybe I don't need to read those books about being a more thoughtful and giving person after all!

Friday song (on Saturday)

Ok - so I lied. It's not really about clothes but it sort of is. So here goes, this week's Friday song is Who We Are by Hope Partlow.

I don't wanna put on my make up
Just like every girl in a magazine
That's not who I am when I wake up
That's not who I wanna be

There's so much more to me than
Meets the eye
In this life I know one thing

It doesn't really matter what you wear
Let the people stare
Cuz we are who we are who we are who we are
It doesn't really matter what car you drive
It's good to be alive
Yeah we are who we are who we are who we are
Who we are

Tell me baby do I look like the real thing
Or would you change the color of my eyes
Tell me why my television's filling me with lies

It doesn't really matter what you wear
Let the people stare
Cuz we are who we are who we are who we are
It doesn't really matter what car you drive
It's good to be alive
Yeah we are who we are who we are who we are

There is beauty on the inside
Yeah you're beautiful
All right!

Though it doesn't really matter what you wear
Let the people stare
Cuz we are who we are who we are who we are
It doesn't really matter what car you drive
It's good to be alive
Yeah we are who we are who we are who we are

It doesn't really matter what you wear
Let the people stare (it's good to be alive good to be alive)
Doesn't really matter what car you drive
It's good to be alive (who we are)
Yeah we are who we are who we are who we are who we are (it's good to be alive good to be alive)

When we are who we are

I think this song hit me this week because I'm going through a phase where I'm not feeling good about the way I look. I haven't been exercising, I've been eating too much junk and I've gained a few pounds. I've gained enough weight that it effects the way my clothes fit. I know that if I let that bother me, it doesn't do any good and it makes things worse - I'll eat to make myself feel better! Stupid, I know.

I don't need to tell you that our society values physical attractiveness to an unhealthy level. No matter how logically I try to see that and how many times I tell myself that how I look shouldn't matter, it does matter. It's not like I'm an actress or public figure. I don't have paparazzi snapping pictures of me without make up on. Which just makes my concern about my looks that much more ridiculous.

And the other silly thing is that I tend to feel intimidated by really attractive people. Or really wealthy people. I know, being rich and pretty doesn't equate with happiness or true contentment with life. I'm in a weird mood, I guess.

I don't want to teach my girls that they way they look is paramount. I try not to complain about my true body image in front of them and I have never talked about dieting. If I talk about wanting to lose weight, it's always couched in terms of eating more healthy foods in smaller portions. Never about trying to look better - only about health. But, to be totally honest, sometimes it's a lie. As unhealthy as this attitude is, there are times that I couldn't give a rat's ass about my health as long as I look half way decent in a bathing suit and my favorite pants don't pull at the thighs. Just don't tell my girls! (Thank God they aren't old enough to read this blog).

Say the party line with me - it's about who you are on the inside, not about what you look like or the clothes you wear.

Airport blogging

I'm sitting at LaGuardia waiting for my plane to board. I came to NY to attend a conference on the always interesting topic of Closed-End Fund governance. Just can't get enough of that stuff, I tell you!

So I made the HUGE mistake of booking a 6am flight out of Chicago. What the hell was I thinking? Of course, I went to my friends' house for dinner last night and drank wine and talked far later than I should have considering I was supposed to get up at 4:30am. So I get to bed a midnight and barely get any sleep before I hit the snooze button THREE times. Not a good start.

I somehow manage to leave the house by 5:10 but, of course, can't find a cab. I end up walking three blocks to the Embassy Suites and catch a cab in front. On a good day with no traffic, it takes about 20 minutes to get to O'Hare and luckily, it was a good day. But when I try to do self-service check-in, my boarding pass mysteriously doesn't print. So I move to another machine, same thing. Next machine tells me that because it's less than 30 minutes before the flight leaves I can't get a boarding pass. How pissed was I that I had been there at least (ok barely) 30 minutes ahead but American's stupid machines wouldn't print my boarding pass? Yes, I know - I could have printed my boarding pass from home but that would have required forethought and planning and we've already established that those are skills that I do not possess.

So the very "helpful" agent (sarcasm alert) tells me that there's no way I can get on that flight but maybe I can try those "other machines over there" and that might work. So I try the other machines - same thing. Two of them don't appear to work and the third one tells me "Loser - you're too late." So another "very helpful" agent tells me I have to get in the really long line to get help. I must have a fairy godmother because the agent at the desk was actually REALLY helpful and she said - "I think you can make it. Give it a try." Wow - how hard would it have been for one of the other two "very helpful" agents to actually stop chatting about their love lives and give me some real help.

Ok, so I make like O.J. and run to security where - shocker - the TSA agent is really nice and lets me into the First Class line so I can get through quickly. So I quickly and dutifully take my laptop out of my briefcase, put everything in the bins and put the bins and my shoes on the conveyor belt which is - not moving. Why? Because the conveyor belt lady is - reading. And not looking at the conveyor belt. So I look to the metal detector lady who waves me through and says - with a straight face - "Ma'am, you have been randomly selected for additional screening." Poor girl saw the look of utter horror, furious anger and total disbelief on my face (and also, my eyeballs popped out of my head), glanced at my boarding pass and said "Oh, no you didn't!" Then she turned to the conveyor belt lady who was - wait for it - still reading a book and gently let her know that she, um, had stuff to look at. I, however, was about to yell "WTF conveyor belt lady! Get a move on! I have a plane to catch!" But it's good that I didn't because that extra screening would have come on fast and furious.

So, I make the plane with plenty of time to spare. Go figure - I could have gotten that Starbucks afterall.

After the "very interesting" conference, I ended up with a couple hours to kill so I did what I used to do when I lived in NY - I walked around and looked at people and stuff. I was at the American Stock Exchange for the conference so I made my way over to Broadway and started walking north. I started in the financial district and moseyed up to Tribeca. Then I took a right turn on Canal Street and into Chinatown. There is really no city like NY. It's simply amazing how many little stores and businesses there are packed into these blocks. And so many of them sell the same junky purses, watches, jewelry, hats, clothes and stuff. How in the world do any of them make money?

The people watching is amazing. Well, except for the one guy that was walking in front of me on a side street. He was sort of well dressed - he had dress pants and a Hawaiian shirt and was wearing a baseball cap. He was strolling along and then all of a sudden he stopped, turned to the curb and WHIPPED IT OUT AND BEGAN TO PEE. I am so not kidding. And everyone just walked past like nothing out of the ordinary was going on but there was a man peeing in the street in the middle of the day! WTF! Now I remember why I moved out of NY. People in Chicago have the decency to pee in the alleyways.

Gotta go - the plane is about to board. I'll try to post the Friday song later tonight but if I don't get a chance, I guess it will be the Saturday song this week. Not to ruin the surprise or anything but it's another song by a lady singing about deep emotional issues. Only this time it's about clothes.

Ch ch ch chaaanges . . .

Oh look! More lame musical references from yours truly. Sorry, I just can't help myself.

I don't know why this occurred to me but I was just remembering the difficulty we had dropping M-Girl off at preschool two years ago. She would cry and cling and cry and cling. I'd hand her over to a teacher and she'd reach for me, tears streaming down her face. It was haaarible. Truly. The teachers told us that within seconds of our leaving, she was just fine and dandy. But of course. This went on most of the school year. It sucked.

Then it was time for junior kindergarten - and she pulled some of the same stuff. Big D and I learned early on that if we had Abby drop her off at class instead of one of us going in, M-Girl was miraculously tear and cling free. So her big sis dropped her off most of the year and we just waved from the car.

I was worried at the beginning of this school year. A-Girl's not around to walk her to class. I thought we'd have a lot of "Don't leave me, Mommy!" for a few months. We're in the car driving to school on the first day.

Me: M-Girl, do you want me to walk you to class this morning?
M-Girl: No.
Me: Really, I can. It's no problem.
M-Girl: No! I'll go myself.
Me: Um, ok.

So we pull up to the school. The gym teacher opens the door for M-Girl. She grabs her backpack and heads to the door.

Me: Bye, honey! Have a great day!
M-Girl: (Nothing - I was talking to her back. She was already heading up the stairs to class).
Me: *sniff*

Just a little crazy?

Is it just me or does anyone else think that this person is a little crazy?

Feelings . . . wo wo wo . . . feelings

Sorry for the really lame musical reference but I've been thinking about feelings lately. You should go check out Giovanni's new blog at Life Unscrambled. He writes about all kinds of interesting things but recently he wrote about the pursuit of happiness. He points out that it is impossible to be happy all the time and when we inevitably fail to be constantly happy, we figure there must be something wrong with our lives. That kind of disappointment can lead to depression. But if we just tried to be more realistic about life and its ups and downs, we'd probably be more content with our lives in general.

As I think I've mentioned recently, I come from a family that didn't appreciate strong emotions. Although negative emotions were particularly frowned upon, even strongly expressed positive emotions made my parents uncomfortable. I can't remember any specifics but as I think about it, I can remember feeling embarrassed at having gotten "overly" excited about something. Although I think I'm getting better at it, I still have trouble expressing my emotions. But emotions have a habit of getting out one way or another - we can either let them out in healthy, constructive ways or allow them to manifest themselves in destructive ways. Before we can express emotions in a healthy way, we have to learn to accept them.

This morning, M-Girl was angry and frustrated because she had a stuffy nose and didn't want to go to school. I told her that she wasn't sick so she needed to go to school. She was frustrated because she felt like I wasn't listening to her (and because she wasn't getting her way). Monday mornings are tough - they represent a change in routine from the weekend to the school week and she was probably a little sad about being separated from me after we just spent two full days together.

My temptation was to tell her to get over it, get up and get dressed. Instead, I tried to accept and acknowledge her feelings by saying that it was ok for her to be angry and frustrated. I told her she could continue to feel that way for as long as she needed to. However, she still needed to get ready for school. I hugged her a nudged her along a little and eventually she got dressed. And once she started getting ready to go, she was fine. (Except that she repeated the performance - unsuccessfully - for the babysitter in the afternoon saying that her nose was too stuffy for her to go to guitar lessons.) Hopefully, she's learning that it's ok to be angry and frustrated and that you can express those feelings and you won't get punished. I also hope she's learning that just because she's angry doesn't mean she'll get her way.

Sometimes when we tell our kids to stop crying or yelling, it may be because the expression of their emotions is making us uncomfortable. Certainly there are times when crying and screaming is not appropriate and we have to help them learn to control their emotional outbursts at those times. But there are times when we can - and should - let them express those strong emotions and help them learn to calm themselves down (we've taught our kids to take deep breaths). This is an essential life skill that they aren't going to learn at school.

A day at the circus

Well, it wasn't a whole day and it wasn't really the circus but M-Girl and I went to see Hephaestus: A Greek mythology circus tale at Lookingglass Theatre this afternoon. It was fabulous! It's narrated by a young girl (more about her later). Meredith said the little girl was her favorite part of the show. She's reading a book about the story of Hephaestus.

Hephaestus is the son of the Greek goddess Hera who is unhappily married to Zeus. She secretly gives birth to Hephaestus but because he's horribly disfigured and ugly, she casts him off Mt. Olympus. He falls for many years and by the time he lands in Lake Lemnos, he's fully grown. The queen of the sea nymphs saves him and he discovers that he has a talent for making things, including beautiful jewelry and "people" made out of silver. Hera sees this and gets jealous. She sends Isis, the Goddess of the rainbow, down to ask Hephaestus to come back. He creates a golden throne for Hera who comes down to earth to receive the gift but when she sits in the throne, she is bound by invisible ropes. Hephaestus refuses to let her go. Hera sends Ares, the God of war to convince Hephaestus to release her but he still refuses. Hera finally offers Aphrodite as a bride for Hephaestus. When Hephaestus sees Aphrodite, he falls in love and agrees to let Hera go. He then creates an even more beautiful throne for Hera and takes it up to her on Mt. Olympus.

Lookingglass has a relatively small (p.r. types would call it "intimate") theater space on Michigan Avenue in the old water pumping station across the street from the Water Tower. It's basically a black box, theater in the round. Not a place that you would expect to see world-class circus performances but that's what we saw today. Hera is played by a woman who is a member of the 7th generation of the Wallenda family. Her brother was in the show along with several other adults who literally grew up in circus families. They are amazing performers and it was surreal seeing real-life Wallendas.

One of the best things about the show is the way they weave the circus acts into the story in a way that fits better than I expected. Each of the gods/goddesses does a performance that seamlessly fits within the story. Ares was played by a young man who did rope tricks requiring amazing strength, control and courage. Isis was a beautiful woman with rainbow colored bows in her hair and she did graceful tricks on a rope swing. The queen of the nymphs did incredible hula hoop tricks with silver hoops created by Hephaestus. (This very moment, Meredith walked into my room with her hula hoop to practice!) Hera was strong and daring on a hoop trapeze (the first throne made by Hephaestus) and the tightrope. The music - heavy on the percussion - was perfect.

Ok, now back to the young narrator. She was nine years old and this was her theater debut. Not surprisingly, I thought about Abby the whole time I watched her. She has brown hair that was pulled back in pony tails. Her two front teeth are just coming in - just like A-Girl. (Thinking about it now, my heart hurts. I miss my baby). It was hard watching someone else's child perform knowing that my own baby is performing and I haven't been there to see her. But I digress.

As M-Girl and I were about to leave the theater, the girl was in the lobby with her dad so M-Girl and I went to say hi to her and tell her that we enjoyed her performance. I couldn't help but tell her dad about our own little performer. I talked to the girl about what it's like to be on stage and asked her if she was nervous. She said that before the show she walks around saying "Oh, no. I can't do this." but then when she gets on stage everything is fine. She seemed really comfortable out there - she has to sing and hit cues with her lines and she did a great job. Her dad and I talked about how incredible it is to see your own child on stage like that. We both grabbed our hearts and shook our heads at the same time! It's hard to find the right words to describe the feeling.

He said that people involved in the production have been encouraging them to get an agent for their daughter. This was not only her theater debut, it's her professional debut. He said they were not sure what they wanted to do and he asked if he could call me to talk about agents, etc. You all know how much I love to talk about A-Girl's career and give my advice to total strangers! So, of course I said yes.

I was a little nervous about approaching them in the lobby - you never know how people in that situation might act. I mean, they could have thought I was a psycho or something. A psycho hanging out with a five-year old and her pink Hello Kitty purse. Ok, maybe not. But still - her dad could have been a stuck up stage parent or something. Luckily, he's a really nice guy. Us down-to-earth, friendly-type stage parents have to stick together.

Friday song

Taking a page from Crouching Mommy, Hidden Laundry, I've decided to quote song lyrics on my blog. Taking another page from lots of bloggers including Megan and Mir, who, at one time or another have done regular Friday things, I'm going to try to do it every Friday.

So here's this week's Friday song: Everyday by Toby Lightman

Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say
And what I should keep to myself
And the words that manage to leave my lips
Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else

And I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday

Everyday is a battle between what I wanna know
And what I don't wanna figure out
And everything in between in these thoughts of mine
That you know I can't live with out

And I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday

********************************
First of all, this is a beautiful song - quiet but powerful. Toby has an interesting, smoky voice that I love to listen to. And the lyrics hit me every time I hear the song.

There are times when I struggle with being myself. As I was growing up, I was taught that expressing strong emotions was a bad thing. And anger was something that just wasn't done in my house (unless you were my dad and your teenage daughter was still on the phone at 2 a.m. on a school night, then you could get mad). But the problem with that kind of upbringing is that you learn that it just isn't worth the risk to express any emotions except in a very controlled manner. Eventually, you figure out that it's safest to express the emotions that people expect you to express - in the way they expect you to express them - and not necessarily the ones you feel. At some point, you aren't even sure what you feel anymore and that's when you forget who you are.

I like the part where she says she's in need of a pause. It would be good for me to learn to pause before I respond to things so that I can make sure that my response is genuine. Maybe if I slow down and listen a little better, I'll be able to hear my own voice speaking.

Family and friends

This summer we became acquainted with the parents of one of M-Girl's friends. We had dinner at their house, they had dinner at our house and we became friends. The father has really taken to M-Girl and become kind of like an uncle to her. I realized today that, to me, they've become like the family I no longer have. I'm estranged from most of my family, for reasons that are too numerous and painful to go into now. But the way these friends have acted towards me during this time of stress have made me realize some things about my family, and about myself.

I come from a family of "takers", for lack of a better word. Unfortunately, I've realized that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. It's not that we aren't generous in our own way - we always give to charity, we do things for other people, we're friendly and nice (most of the time). It's on an emotional level that we have our real problems. It's every "man" for himself. We have trouble in groups because we can't really put the interests of the group - or other individuals in the group - ahead of our own interests. When we do give of ourselves emotionally, we expect something in return - complete and unquestioning adoration and obedience, mostly.

"Look at me! I gave you a hug and told you I love you. What more do you want from me? Time, attention, actual caring? Sorry, too much of my own shit to deal with." or "Time to buy a prom dress? Well, maybe I can go with you but I might have something better to do. Oh, your step mom is going with you instead? In that case I'll for sure be able to be there." or "By the way, we're having a party next week and you'll be there. Seven months pregnant, middle of the summer and no car? Take a train. We expect you to show up."

I was talking with a girlfriend the other day. This summer she's been re-evaluating a lot of things in her life, and taking a close look at her relationships. She's an incredibly giving and warm person. She said she's decided to get rid of the "energy suckers" in her life. Those people that just take and don't give anything, or enough, in return. That's my family. Sometimes, that's me. I don't want to be an energy sucker anymore.

So these friends of ours - they invite M-Girl for playdates and sleepovers and have me over for dinner. They call and ask how I'm doing and make sure I'm not alone too much. They're really there for me, it's not just words. They treat me like my fantasy family treats each other. I feel comfortable with them, like I can be myself and there's no judging, no expectations for anything other than friendship. I think it's time I learn to be a better friend and I think I've found a good example to follow.

Scattered

I'm feeling a bit scattered these days. There are so many things I like to do - reading, knitting, writing - but I never feel like I have enough time to devote to those interests.

I'm in various stages of reading several books - Patricia Cornwell's The Last Precinct, John Twelve Hawks' The Traveler, Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Anger (actually, the book is the trilogy including The Dance of Intimacy and The Dance of Deception but I've only started the first of the three). I also have several books waiting in the wings (including a book on how to manage peri-menopause which I think I'm avoiding because it'll probably tell me I have to quit my Starbucks habit and I just don't think I can do that).

I'm working on several knitting projects - I've started two baby blankets and have a third in waiting, there's a throw for Dave I started two years ago that I haven't even looked at in ages and somewhere along the line I started a sweater for myself that I'll probably pull out and start over at some point. I also have enough yarn for several other projects. But that doesn't stop me from looking at yarn websites yearning to buy more!

And then there's the writing that I love to do but am forever procrastinating on - I have at least two stories/book ideas going right now (meaning I've actually started to write stuff) and lots more that bubble to the surface of my mind now and then. For a long time I've had a fantasy about making a living as a writer someday. But writers have to actually spend time writing and I'm forever telling myself I'll write "later." Of course, later never comes. Or when it comes, I have to go make dinner or get some sleep or go to work. Or I write here, which is great but isn't necessarily something that will ever pay the bills.

On top of all that, there's every day life that needs attention. I want to spend time with Meredith (and when they get back, Dave and Abby), I need to cook, do laundry and clean (at least every now and then). There are bills to pay and projects around the house that just need doing. Oh, yeah - and then there's my day job. It's not a bad job, there are lots of things about it that I like (not the least of which is the people I work with) and the pay's nothing to sneeze at. Given the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed, I have no intention of leaving here any time soon (unless I win the lottery). Somewhere in there I think about fitting in exercise but it never seems to make the cut.

I guess I wish that things were flipped around so that I could spend the bulk of my time on creative pursuits and less of my time on earning a living in the corporate world. How do other people do it? I know there are people out there that manage to accomplish far more than I do and I'd love some advice on how to stop procrastinating and actually do something creative.

Long distance

So M-Girl got to talk to A-Girl and Big D for a little while last night. After that, she slept better than she had in weeks. Talking on the phone isn't as good as being in person but it's better than nothing.

A-Girl said she's having a really good time. She loves performing and thinks everyone is sooooo nice. She sounds good. The little bit that I can see her on the webcam, she looks good. I really miss her. I miss my husband too but we are at least able to IM and talk a little bit more. He stays up and talks to me while A-Girl sleeps and then I stay up to talk to him while A-Girl's at school in the mornings.

I can't wait to see them. I can't wait to see the show. It'll be nice to meet more of the people so I can put faces with names. Sometimes I feel like I have to pinch myself to make sure this isn't a dream. When A-Girl said she wanted to be an actress, Big D and I talked about the possibility that she'd be successful but we're nothing if not realistic. The fact that she's done as well as she has really blows me away sometimes. In truth, a part of me wonders whether we should put the breaks on but then I talk to her and she gushes about how much she's enjoying herself. And although she misses her friends and me and her sister, she seems to be handling it really well.

As adults, we know that there are trade-offs in pretty much every choice we make. If we decide to live in the Midwest, we know that we'll have to deal with the winters. If you choose to live in the city, you have to deal with traffic and lack of affordable parking. If you live in the suburbs, you have to get up with the roosters to get to work on time. You can't have everything. As kids, the choices aren't generally as monumental - if you choose Doritos for you snack, you can't have Fritos, too. If you wear a skirt on the coldest day of the year, you have to deal with your legs getting cold. Nothing earth shattering. But at the tender age of 7 1/2, A-Girl's had to learn that if you choose to be in show business, you may have to be away from your family and friends for months at a time. You have to work hard - harder than the adults in the show because the adults don't have to do 16 hours of school each week on top of the show schedule. What's so amazing is that she understands and accepts the choices she makes. She expresses her feelings - she misses everyone - but she doesn't complain. And that makes me really proud.

Sore loser

Not so long ago, my kids were playing at a friend's house. A-Girl was playing Nintendo (or Play Station or X-Box, who the hell can keep them straight) with her friend, a boy. A-Girl was kicking his ass at Super Mario Brothers or something, which pissed him off so much that he reached over and pushed the restart button. Because he wasn't winning. This was a five year old child who was getting ready to start kindergarten. Why did he have such a hard time losing? Because his parents (his father mostly) always let the kid win whenever they played anything.

It really bugs me to see that. It's not that I'm mean and take pleasure in beating little kids at some video game. But when you let a child win - no matter what the game is, you teach him all the wrong things. You teach him that it's not ok to lose, that he should be rewarded even if he doesn't work hard or isn't good at something, that the world revolves around him. You teach him to be a sore loser and that just sucks. It's going to be so hard for that kid to make friends because no one wants to play with a sore loser.

There are certain games that don't require skill (Candyland or Chutes and Ladders) so kids can learn to win and lose gracefully. My husband taught the girls to say "Good game" to their opponent and shake hands after every game - win or lose. And quitting in the middle of a game because you're losing is a punishable offense. It's not that my kids never get upset when they lose, but they aren't sore losers.

What do you think? Do you think it's ok to let kids win? Sometimes, never or always? I suppose that if I was playing basketball with M-Girl, I wouldn't be body checking her all over the court or anything but I wouldn't let her win. Oh, wait - I suck at basketball. And I'm out of shape. She could probably whip my ass. Well, anyway, you get the point.

Opening Night!

A-Girl made it through opening night in China and Big D said she had a great time. I haven't gotten many details - they were on their way to a cast party when I talked to them. Big D said she did awesome. She said she was nervous before the show but once she walked on stage, she wasn't nervous anymore.

It's bittersweet. I'm so proud of her and excited about this opportunity she's getting. She's on a big adventure and she's learning a lot about herself and the world. I'm getting details about the things they're doing but it isn't the same as being there. When your kids are born, you know that at some point you'll have to let them go to live their own lives. Even if it is only temporary, A-Girl's living her own life and I'm not there to see it. The best time to talk to my girls is lying in bed with them. I don't know why but that's when they offer observations of their world that don't come out at other times. That's what I miss the most with A-Girl gone. I miss snuggling and having her play with my hair while we talk about the day.

We've got good technology - we can call each other over the internet and I can see her on the webcam. But we can't have one of our typical rambling conversations. There's too much of a delay, things are too easily misunderstood. Since they're living in a hotel, my husband is always in the room while we're talking. It's not like she or I would hide anything important from him but we can't have real girl talk while he's around. I'm sure she has different conversations with him when I'm not around. I miss having alone time with her.

On the other hand, M-Girl and I are getting lots of quality time together. We're having a good time and not getting on each other's nerves too much. She asks for a nightly back rub (she loves to have me rub her shoulders) and she always offers me a back rub in return. She's been crawling into bed with me in the mornings - it's a nice way to wake up. Except this morning - she had forgotten to shut off her alarm clock and it started playing its annoying Powerpuff Girls song. I could hear it clear across the apartment so I told her she needed to go shut it off before the neighbors break in and smash it. She said "Why do I always have to do everything when I'm tired?!" I gave her one of my patent-pending "You better do what I say" looks. She stood up on my bed and started to march off in a huff and stomped on my shin in the process. She may be small but she stomps hard! At least it got me out of bed.

A Parrothead is born!

Big Jimmy Buffett fans call themselves Parrotheads. I had heard of Parrotheads over the years and, I have to say, I just didn't get it. But on Sunday night I went to the Jimmy Buffett concert at Wrigley Field. I can now say that I would be proud to call myself a Parrothead. I won't wear the funny clothes, though. I just don't look good in Hawaiian prints and silly hats. It was one of the better concerts I've been to (and the only concert I've gone to in the last 10 years). It was great, not so much because of the quality of the music (Buffett's good but I wouldn't call him a great musician) - it was the atmosphere. It was being at Wrigley on a beautiful, end of summer evening. It was the colorful outfits, people having a good time. It was the overpriced margaritas.

I went with a girlfriend from work who got the tickets from her boss who got the tickets from Forbes Magazine (we advertise in there a lot). Thanks Forbes! This is a woman that I've known for several years but it's only recently that we've gotten to be more than "Hello in the hall" friends. Now we're "Let's have lunch and talk about our kids" friends. Her recent promotion has us working together more often. We had a fabulous time - we danced and sang along and talked over the noise until our voices were hoarse.

There were a lot more "AARP-eligibles" in the crowd than I would have guessed. I would say the average age was 35 to 45. Virtually everyone around us was singing along to every song. Given that I have no Jimmy Buffett albums and have never been to one of his concerts, I was surprised that I knew most of the songs or at least had heard them over the years. I didn't realize it but Jimmy Buffett is a big part of the musical fabric of my life. (Cue music - "Memories") It's the kind of music that was played at college parties and bars. Not to sound corny, but it really is the music of good times. You can't be depressed listening to Jimmy Buffett. Even his last encore - a nice rendition of Arlo Guthrie's City of New Orleans accompanied by a slide show of New Orleans street scenes (before Katrina) - didn't bring the mood down. It was an uplifting celebration of what was instead of a mourning of what's gone. Maybe it's too early for that, I don't know. But it was beautiful and touching and not the least the bit sad.

My favorite song of the night - and I know this is predictable - was Margaritaville. Partly because it's the only song that I know all the words to. Partly because it was a great crowd experience - you just know that every last person in the stadium knows that song by heart and hearing everyone sing together is powerful. Even if it is a silly song. (Gosh - can I say that and still be a Parrothead?)

On that note - I'm going to order a greatest hits album. No self-respecting Parrothead would be caught dead with a Jimmy Buffet-less ipod.