Friday, September 16, 2005

Friday song

Taking a page from Crouching Mommy, Hidden Laundry, I've decided to quote song lyrics on my blog. Taking another page from lots of bloggers including Megan and Mir, who, at one time or another have done regular Friday things, I'm going to try to do it every Friday.

So here's this week's Friday song: Everyday by Toby Lightman

Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say
And what I should keep to myself
And the words that manage to leave my lips
Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else

And I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday

Everyday is a battle between what I wanna know
And what I don't wanna figure out
And everything in between in these thoughts of mine
That you know I can't live with out

And I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday

********************************
First of all, this is a beautiful song - quiet but powerful. Toby has an interesting, smoky voice that I love to listen to. And the lyrics hit me every time I hear the song.

There are times when I struggle with being myself. As I was growing up, I was taught that expressing strong emotions was a bad thing. And anger was something that just wasn't done in my house (unless you were my dad and your teenage daughter was still on the phone at 2 a.m. on a school night, then you could get mad). But the problem with that kind of upbringing is that you learn that it just isn't worth the risk to express any emotions except in a very controlled manner. Eventually, you figure out that it's safest to express the emotions that people expect you to express - in the way they expect you to express them - and not necessarily the ones you feel. At some point, you aren't even sure what you feel anymore and that's when you forget who you are.

I like the part where she says she's in need of a pause. It would be good for me to learn to pause before I respond to things so that I can make sure that my response is genuine. Maybe if I slow down and listen a little better, I'll be able to hear my own voice speaking.

4 comments:

Sandra said...

Do you sometimes notice that middle age has a lot in common with puberty?

Not just the hormone fluctuations either, though that's part of it.

It seems to be a time when we're grappling with identity issues. Sometimes I get the strongest feelings of deja vu.

cmhl said...

excellent, excellent post.. I can so related needing to hit the "pause", just for a few minutes..

landismom said...

Yeah, I need to count to ten way more often than I actually do it, too.

Jessica said...

Sandra - I hadn't thought about that, but I think you're right. I'm going through an introspective phase that is very similar to a phase I went through in college. (I was a late bloomer, I think).