Last night I dreamed that I was still in college and I was enrolled in an art class but never went to the class. I was too busy and kept putting it off. My friends in the class were showing me all the projects that they were doing. I told them that I was going to talk to the teacher about making up the classes I missed and if the teacher wouldn't let me, I was going to drop the class. My friend said "You can't drop the class. It's required."
So what does it mean? I think I'm beginning to realize that for me creativity is a required activity. I've lost myself in a kind of busyness that doesn't allow for the creative endeavors that make my life truly satisfying. When I was younger - before I was married and had kids - I was always doing something creative. I was taking dance lessons, playing piano, singing, knitting, drawing, playing with clay, trying (usually unsuccessfully) to grow plants. I was also more spiritual, I read more and spent more time just thinking and contemplating life. Living in a high rise, working in an office building, I feel so out of touch with nature and with myself.
Writing this blog has helped but the fact that nobody reads it makes it less than fulfulling. I hadn't realized until now that as much as I like to write, what I really want to do is publish. I guess that shouldn't be surprising - I suppose that's what most writers want to do. I haven't yet tried to write anything for publication, though. I'm a little scared - what if I submit something and it gets rejected? I feel stuck for ideas on what to write about which probably stems from the fear of failure - I'm worried that it won't be good enough.
I've told my kids that if they're afraid to do something, they should do it anyway and they won't be afraid anymore. It got them to try the monkey bars - maybe it will work for me!