It seemed like a good idea . . .

Way back in early June, we were at a charity silent auction. Big D bid on and "won" a sailing charter for six on Lake Michigan. At the time, we figured it would be a great thing to do with his cousin (C) and her husband (T) who are here visiting this weekend. The Chicago skyline is beautiful from the lake and we thought we could bring some nice food and wine. If the weather cooperated, it would be a really nice night. We even negotiated for an extra hour - four hours boating on the lake. It would be great!

At the beginning of the week, the weather sucked. It was hot and humid and just generally sucky. But Thursday came around, the heat wave broke and Friday, the day of our sailing trip, was a gorgeous day.

Big D and T went to Whole Foods and got some yummy treats. We packed a cooler and went to the boat at 5 p.m. The boat was beautiful. I don't know much about sailing or boats or anything but this was pretty nice. It had two bedrooms and bathrooms, a teeny kitchen, a table and a small desk. The benches were covered in a creamy, soft leather.

As we moved out of the harbor, we all went on deck to feel the cool breeze. It started out great. M-Girl asked for some food so we broke out the shrimp. She, A-Girl and Big D ate a few. I was worried I might get queasy so I held off on the food which turned out to be the best choice. As soon as we got out of the harbor, we hit the choppy waves. Apparently, the Northeast wind brings cool breezes but also makes the lake near Chicago quite wavy. (As I write this, I'm feeling the sensation of the boat moving with the waves!). After about five minutes, I looked over at T and could tell he wasn't feeling very well. He made his way to the front deck and not long after that, my husband went to the side of the boat. You can guess what happened to both of them eventually.

After an hour, my husband asked the captain to turn around and head back. In the meantime, M-Girl fell asleep on my lap. A-Girl and C were the only ones doing well. I was ok as long as I kept looking at the horizon. If I looked down at all, the queasiness started and I had to look up again. I couldn't even look in a camera lens long enough to take a picture (although I did manage to get two pictures of M-Girl helping to pilot the boat after she woke up).

When we were getting fairly close to the harbor, M-Girl had to go to the bathroom which was below deck. Big D and I looked at each other in a panic, knowing that neither of us could go below without throwing up and he said "Can't you hold it?" She, of course, said she couldn't. One of the crew members was a wonderful woman and she took M-Girl to the bathroom but as soon as M-Girl got back up, she joined her father at the side of the boat and promptly threw up what little dinner she ate. Here I am, staring at the horizon watching my little one toss her cookies out of the corner of my eye while a virtual stranger holds on to her and brushes her hair off of her face. Yet another great moment in parenting!

A-Girl was ok until near the end when she made the mistake of covering her face with her sweater. Within minutes she joined M-Girl and her dad at the side of the boat.

What I feel the worst about is that we put our guests through that experience! T's a surfer, I guess we figured he'd like being on the water. Now I know that being a surfer doesn't make one immune to sea sickness. Unfortunately for T, I had to learn that at his expense.

I would hate for our experience to reflect poorly on the charter company. They were fabulous and our problems were a result of our own weak constitutions! For anyone who is into sailing, it's a really nice boat and Joe and Daneen (the captain and crew) were wonderful. If you're ever in Chicago and want to try it out, I would recommend it. Go to Windy City Sailing for more information.

I'm overwhelmed. And tired. I need a break but don't really have time. I'm slacking off at work because I'm so tired I can barely concentrate. My office is a mess. I should be cleaning it but I don't want to. I should be doing a lot of things that I just don't want to do. If I was saying this out loud, I'd sound like a four-year old - (imagine, if you can stand it, an irritating whine) "But I don't wanna do it!"

Here's what I want to do. Go home. Take one or more of the several books I am reading and go out on my balcony. With a beer. And sit. Until the sun goes down. Then I want to get in bed, put on some CSI re-run and knit. Then sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Until I wake up on my own - without an alarm and without a child waking me up. Then I want to go to Starbucks with my laptop, have a latte and write and read. For the whole day. Without interruption. And then I'd go to a movie. And then I'd sleep, a lot.

Unfortunately, I can't do that. I can't do anything even close to that. We have houseguests again and we're taking them on some charter sailboat which under other circumstances would be really fun. But today - I'm not sure. At least the weather is very nice, finally. Hopefully I won't get seasick!

The green eyed monster

Technically, I have no time to post. But I just had to share the reason I'm an green with envy at my husband. I really am ok with the fact that he gets to take A-Girl to Asia. (No, really, I am. And for those of you who haven't read my archives - my daughter is in the Asian tour of The Sound of Music this fall as Marta.) It was the best decision for all involved but I do have some level of jealousy at the fact that he gets to travel around Asia watching our baby perform in a really big shooow. And he'll get to see all kinds of cool things without me. I was used to that level of jealousy and just starting to get over it.

But now - now I am really jealous. Here's why: they get to attend the grand opening of Disneyland Hong Kong. I know, how disgustingly touristy and American of me but, seriously - how cool is that going to be. And given that the kids are going to get to sing at the Miss Hong Kong Pageant and do all kinds of other neato promotional stuff, there's a good chance that they'll be special guests of some kind at Disney. They might not have to wait in line for the good rides!

Well, now that I'm done whining, I have to go home to get ready for the "cast party" my husband planned this evening. A-Girl is in rehearsals all week with all of the other kids in the cast and she's the only one from Chicago. So, Big D invited everyone over for a pool and Chicago-style pizza party at our apartment. I'm excited to meet the people they'll be travelling with so that's good but I've been in Board meetings for two days straight and I'm sort of in the mood to knit and watch hours of CSI. But that will have to wait!

An ode to caffeine

I don't fall asleep in meetings. Well, ok - when I was still nursing at all hours of the night, I was known to nod off during the day now and again. But now that I'm back on the sauce (coffee), I don't fall asleep anymore - until this morning. For the first time in forever, I didn't have time to get coffee on my way to work this morning. I had an audit committee meeting to attend and I didn't want to be late so I came in without my java. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to hear that audit committee meetings are generally boring. Very, very boring.

I managed to make it through the first part of the meeting ok but after an hour, I just couldn't take it anymore and had to close my eyes. Hopefully I was covering it well. I use a Tablet PC to take notes and I usually have it on my lap because it's more comfortable that way. So I was looking down with the "pen" in my right hand and my head in my left hand (to prevent the head bob thing). Don't know if I succeeded in looking more like a serious note-taker than someone struggling to stay awake. On a good note - I did learn that I can take notes with my eyes closed! And they're almost legible!

To struggle is to learn

I watch as M-Girl struggles to keep her head above water. I want her to wear her water wings but she really doesn't want to. She can't quite swim - she can tread water and she manages to move small distances. She generally stays near the wall or the lane markers so there's always something to grab onto. But I wish she would wear the water wings until she's a stronger swimmer. Then I realize that she won't become a stronger swimmer wearing water wings. She'll only become stronger through the struggle.

I've always had a hard time watching my children struggle. When A-Girl was first learning how to put on her pajamas she'd always put both legs in one pant leg. It drove me crazy to watch so I'd help her. Then it dawned on me - the reason I'm able to put my pants on correctly is because I've had many, many years of practice. I had to learn to allow A-Girl to struggle to do it on her own and she's been a pro at putting on her own clothes for a few years now. I didn't actually get comfortable with watching the struggle. I just learned to leave the room whenever I had an overpowering urge to help when I shouldn't.

I imagine the same policy applies to all kinds of things. It's natural to want to help our children avoid mistakes that we've made. It's important to provide guideance and advice. But to do it too much robs them of experience that's important to their development. We have to let them struggle sometimes so that they can grow.

Ranting about Goody Bags

CityMama had this to say about goody bags today. I was going to comment on her post but realized that I have a lot to say about goody bags so I thought I'd do my own post. I also have lots of rants on kids' birthday parties generally but that will have to wait until another day. So many complaints, so little time . . .

First of all, I agree with her dislike of goody bags - or at least the types of goody bags that are given out at parties here in Chicago. In my experience, there are three types of goody bags: 1) just plain junk including any type of sugar and choking-hazard plastic toys; 2) the way-over-the-top party favor that includes gifts more expensive than the gift you got the birthday kid and 3) the just-right party favor that's not junk, not candy and not too extravagant. As you can imagine, I strive for the third type.

We have a rule - we will not give candy in goody bags. We allow our kids to have a reasonable amount of sugar - we don't deny it completely - but moderation is a good thing. Kids generally get more than enough junk food and they ALWAYS get cake at a party. There's no reason to give them more sugar after the party.

At A-Girl's fifth birthday party we gave Hello Kitty notepads, erasers and pencils. We actually spent a lot of time thinking of something that would work for both boys and girls (the boys got a notepad featuring one of HK's male character friends). We made sure we had matching bags and twist tied each one. After I handed a bag to one of A-Girl's classmates, she immediately looked inside and said "Where's the candy!? There's no candy!" My mouth fell open. I looked at the child's mother who was standing.right.there. She said nothing. Nothing! I would have been mortified if my kid did something like that (and as you can tell from yesterday's post, I would have corrected her immediately and had her apologize).

M-Girl was at a party for a classmate who was turning four. All nineteen kids in the class plus other friends, plus lots of parents, were there. The goody bags were actually shoebox-size pirate chests filled with candy, plastic rings, a fairly large action figure toy and a pirate costume (hat, bandana and eye patch). The kids got Crayola umbrellas at one party and 200 piece Crayola crayon/market sets at another (same crazy mom who happens to be a good friend). Recently, they each got really nice books on Rainforest animals that have a puzzle on every page.

I don't judge what other people do. I realize how easy it is to go to the party store, pick up a bunch of plastic do-dads and toss them in plastic bags just so that you have something to give away. I also realize how easy it is to throw some candy in there to appease the savages. I also know the urge to do something different that perhaps gets a bit out of hand and ends up on the pricey end of things. Pretty much everyone gives goody bags or party favors so it would feel chintzy to me not to give something. Plus the kids like brainstorming about what to give and helping to put the bags together.

This topic reminds me that M-Girl's birthday party is a little more than a week away and I have no idea what to do for goody bags. Given how crazy things are these days, that junk aisle at the party store is looking pretty good right now.

Philosophy of parenting

“If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.”-Goethe

I saw this quote today and it sums up our parenting philosophy so well I just had to share it.

It makes me want to scream when I hear parents say "Boys will be boys!" while watching their little hellion run roughshod over other children at the playground. I shudder when I hear parents say "Oh, she's shy," while their daughter refuses to reply to someone who's asked her name.

The fact is, if you believe that boys cannot control their impulses you won't teach them. If you don't teach them, how are they going to learn to do it? If you don't start teaching them when they're toddlers that it's wrong to cut in front of another child at the slide, when exactly are they going to learn? Do you think they'll arrive at kindergarten all ready to stand in line and sit in a circle? Not if you haven't taught them that they need to do it and, more importantly, that they are capable of doing it.

If you don't tell your child that it's rude to ignore someone who's speaking to them, how are they going to learn to respond politely? If your child hears you say that she's shy, she'll believe it and continue to act shy.

(This one is a particular pet peeve of mine. When our youngest had hearing problems, she would often not respond because she couldn't hear the question. However, people so quickly jumped to the conclusion that she was shy and would say that to her as if it's ok, or even good, to be shy! The day we heard her older sister use that as an excuse for M-Girl, we put a stop to it. We repeatedly told M-Girl (nicely) that it was rude not to respond when someone speaks to her. If someone said "Oh, she's shy," we immediately said "No, she's not" and we'd press M-Girl to respond. She didn't always respond but we kept reinforcing the lesson. One day, she said "hello" to someone before they even spoke to her. She looked at me, beaming, and said "Mommy! I said hello to that man!" She was so proud of herself. She's not as verbal as her older sister - few people are - but she's friendly and much more outgoing than she used to be because she learned to be. But I digress.)

As long as your expectations are reasonable, your children will strive to live up to them. I'm not suggesting that you should expect your one-year-old to be able to stand in line. But just because she's not ready to do it doesn't mean you shouldn't correct her when she cuts in front of another child. If she hears the lesson consistently, she'll be able to comply by the time she's two or three. If you wait until she's three to start teaching the lesson, she'll have two years of bad habits to overcome and she's a lot more likely to fight you on it.

We do our children (and ourselves) a disservice by not teaching them how to behave from an early age. It's important that, as they grow up - and even once they're grown - we see them and treat them as their "best" selves, even though they won't always act that way. That doesn't mean being blind to their faults and praising them even when they don't deserve it. It means teaching them that they are capable of being polite and respectful while having fun. It means showing them the value of hard work and perseverance.

Ok. I'm off my soapbox. We now return you to our regularly scheduled navel gazing . . .

Responsibility

*This post is my first entry into the Blogging for Books contest*





Write about a pivotal point in your life as a parent, OR write about a pivotal point in your relationship with one of your parents.

The quarters were disappearing.

We kept them on my dresser in the "wedding box" - a small, cheesy jewelry box decorated with shells, glitter paint and a plastic wedding cake couple. They were for the giant washing machine in the laundry room that we thankfully didn't need to use much. We also tossed a few in the car now and again for toll-booth encounters during our bi-annual trips to Wisconsin.

I never checked the box and I never knew from one day to the next how many coins were in there. It's not my thing. My husband is the money person in our family (and the math person - I'm the one who writes the thank you notes). He noticed one day that the level of quarters seemed a bit low since he had just put a handful in the box a few days earlier. He asked if I had done any laundry in the laundry room lately, but alas, I hadn't had much time to wash the comforters since our three-year old daughter was born. And with a new baby in the house . . . well, washing a comforter wasn't real high on my list of things to do at the time.

My husband suggested that perhaps the nanny was taking the quarters, which was highly unlikely since our nanny's family back in Mexico had more money than God and she was only doing this job for "fun" (and to get away from her rich family for awhile). Not that rich people don't swipe other people's quarters, she just wasn't the type. And I didn't want to contemplate the possibility that we were leaving our children with someone who could have even such minor criminal inclinations.

I promised to keep my eye on the wedding box for awhile to see if I could figure out where the quarters were going.

One night, I was folding laundry in my bedroom with my three-year old running back and forth between my room and hers. After one particularly quick round trip, she jumped up on my bed and giggled. My child laughed often but she wasn't much of a giggler and this particular giggle sounded mighty suspicious.

I gave her my serious mommy look, "What are you doing?"
*giggle* "Nothin'" *giggle* *smirk*
Narrowing my eyes and leaning closer, "Ok. What's up? What were you doing in your room?"
*giggle* "Putting moneys in my piggy bank." *giggle*
Hmmm. "What money?" Click - lightbulb. "Are you taking quarters out of the wedding box?"
"Uh huh!" Full out laughter now.
I started to laugh with her.

And then it hit me. She was stealing. Granted, it was small and in the scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal. And she was young. But the responsibility for teaching her right from wrong falls to me and her dad and we believe that children are never too young to start learning important lessons. And as much as I wanted to laugh with her and be her friend, I knew deep down that although I am and will be many things to her throughout the rest of my life, I cannot be her friend. I am her teacher, her mentor, her shoulder to cry on. I am her rock, her role model and her coach. At that moment, I realized how much responsibility it is to be a parent.

So, I lectured her on the evils of stealing, sent her to a time out and took her favorite doll away. Then I went back into my room, closed the door and laughed my ass off.

War of the Worlds

I saw it. I liked it. Ok, it scared the bajeepers out of me but I still liked it. I feel the urge to stock up on bottled water and canned goods. And also build a bomb shelter in my basement. But I live in a high rise so that probably wouldn't work. Maybe we could use our storage lockers, though.

My favorite line (that no one else laughed at - go figure):

Son: What's happening Dad?!?
Tom Cruise: We're being attacked!
Son: By who? Terrorists?
TC: No, they come from a . . . different place.
Son: What, like Europe?
TC: NO! Not Europe!

I thought that was hilarious.

Although the movie has its amusing moments it is definitely not for children. We took our kids to Star Wars but the scary parts of that movie are relatively easy to explain. And I covered their eyes when I didn't want them to see something. But this movie is different - in the beginning, it looks and feels like every day life and that's what makes it so scary. Not that I think aliens are going to attack. But movies like this remind me how fragile life is and how much we take for granted. You'd think I would get that from the daily news but (a) I don't watch the news because it's depressing and (b) there's nothing like a giant screen full of people getting vaporized by aliens in surround sound to bring home the point.

Seriously though, I think War of the Worlds scared me because A-Girl and Big D are going to Asia and M-Girl and I will be here without them. Life will feel less safe and secure when our little family isn't together. Big D and I talk on the phone at least four or five times during the average work day. What if there's an emergency here or in China? What if Big D and I can't communicate for some length of time? Even when things are fine, we probably won't be able to talk every day but if there's a problem and we can't touch base, I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle it. Hopefully I won't stand around in my high heels screaming ineffectively and waiting for the hero to come save me. That would really suck.

The devil is in the details

Do not accuse me of being detail oriented. Really, don't. Because I have proved yet again that I am not so good with the details.

M-Girl's 5th birthday is coming up and we're planning a party. She has asked me everyday for the last week "When are we going to do my birthday cards?" (translation: cards=invitations). Last night when she walked in the door there was no "Hi, Mom!", "I love you, Mom!" or "What's for dinner?" It was "Mom! Did you buy the things for my birthday?!?!?" (translation: things=invitations). Luckily for me I had and after dinner we set out to fill in the blanks. Big D and I decided to start the party at 10:30 am because that would give the kids time to swim before we eat lunch around noon and then the party would end at 1:00pm.

M-Girl and I managed to finish 16 of the 20 invitations before she was falling asleep at the table, gel pen in hand. Big D and I addressed, sealed and stamped the completed invitations. M-Girl woke at the crack of dawn asking to finish her invitations. (Yes, this is the same child who can't get out of bed most mornings without much coaxing, cajoling and general coddling.) So we finished the last four and she proudly showed one to her sister who furrowed her brow and said "Mom, why does the invitation say 11:30? I thought you guys decided on 10:30?"

You guessed it, on every single one of the invitations, I wrote 11:30am as the start time instead of 10:30am. I can just see us now, sitting in the party room for an hour wondering where the hell everyone is! And having everyone wonder why M-Girl's party was only an hour and a half instead of the traditional (and reasonable) two to three hours.

I tried to steam the envelopes open but I burned my fingers and ruined the invitation on the first one so that wasn't going to work. I ended up opening every invitation with a letter opener, changing the time and taping the envelopes shut. So instead of wondering why M-Girl is having a short birthday party, everyone will wonder which of their neighbors opened their kid's mail! Nice.

Thank goodness A-Girl has a fabulous memory and is far more detail oriented than I am. Big D is very detail-oriented but I apparently have far too much faith in my ability to get the details right and I didn't ask him to check even one of the invitations to make sure I got it right. I'd love to say that I've learned my lesson but we all know this will happen again. I just hope that someone like A-Girl or Big D is looking over my shoulder!

Slacker

I've been really slacking off with my posting. Bad girl. As you can imagine, things have been a bit crazy while we try to get everything set for A-Girl and Big D to go to Asia in less than two months. Big D is officially leaving his job at the end of July and they leave at the end of August. There's so much to do, our heads are spinning.

Besides getting A-Girl and Big D ready to leave the country, here's what's been going on:

We went to Big D's 20th high school reunion in Waupaca, Wisconsin last weekend. It was fun - I always have more fun at his reunions than at my own. Partly because Waupaca is a bit more down to earth than Highland Park, Illinois and partly because there's really no pressure to live up (or down) to anyone's expectations like there is at your own reunions. Plus the band was rockin! Big D's long time friend Tim plays in the band (which, by the way, is called Mr. Vargas) and they're the most awesome cover band I've ever heard. If you're ever in the Fox Valley area of Wisconsin, I suggest you try to see them. Big D spent a lot of time and energy helping to plan the reunion and all the hard work really paid off.

I'm in the middle of my fiction writing class and I've been trying to write a little at least every couple of days. I really need to write every day so I can get in the groove. I have a tendency to over think my writing - I spend a lot of mind space thinking about the plot and the characters but I don't get things down on paper. But when I do actually start writing, at least sometimes things just seem to fall into place without a lot of agonizing. Part of that is because of the upfront thinking I do but most of it is just the flow of writing. Anyway, that's at least partly my excuse for not posting more. I'm sort of happy with what I've written so far. The biggest problem is that I haven't fully fleshed out the plot yet so sometimes it's hard to write individual scenes. Funny that I used the word scene instead of chapter. I've been feeling like what I'm writing might be more suited to a screenplay rather than a book. Once I flesh out the plot, we'll see what it wants to turn into.

We're trying to be more sociable so we've actually invited friends over. These are new friends so they've never been to our apartment before and they don't know what clutter-hounds we are. So far the only friends that have come over are people that have known us for years and we know they'll love us even if our apartment isn't spotless. Dave and I have a similar problem with clutter - perfectionism - but it manifests itself in different ways. He has a hard time starting anything unless he has the time to do the whole project perfectly at one time. I can start things but I don't finish and I don't go about them efficiently. His method completely overwhelms me because I can't get myself to spend a whole day cleaning! We also have a tendency to get caught in busyness so there doesn't seem to be a lot of time to do those "big" cleaning projects.

So, now I'm trying to balance work (which is now a bit more pressured because I will be the sole breadwinner for a little while) and personal tasks. Posting to my blog is most certainly a personal task which is now interfering with my job so I'll sign off for now.

Love, Freudian style

M-Girl is generally not a morning person. She simply cannot get out of bed in the morning (at least not on school days) without a generous amount coaxing from mom and dad. On Saturday, however, she was going to a pool party so she was up at 6:00 a.m. (yes, 6:00 a.m.) with her bathing suit on when she jumped into bed with us. If she wasn't so cute . . .

So, we talked to her for awhile and at one point I said "Gosh, M-Girl. You're really growing up." And she said "I don't want to grow up." When asked why, she replied "How am I going to find a husband?" Huh? We said, "Well, when you're older, you'll find the right person." She turns to her dad and says "But I want you to be my husband." He said "Well, I can't because I'm already married to mommy." She said "Noooooo, I want you to be married to me."

Not that I'm an expert or anything but according to some stuff I just read on the Internet, the Electra Complex describes the point in a young girl's development where she develops a romantic attachment to her father and a hostile attitude towards her mother. That's not really what appears to be happening with M-Girl. She's not hostile towards me in particular (she's equally hostile to me and everyone else when we tell her to eat her oatmeal). Whenever I ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, she says "You know mommy. It's you!" It's more like she knows that she's a girl and she wants to grow up to be like her most important female role model.

I never really felt this with A-Girl. She was jealous whenever Big D and I so much as held hands when she was a baby. She would scream bloody murder when we'd kiss each other. Even now, at 7, she'll try to squeeze between us sometimes when we're hugging. I don't think it's because she was jealous of me and wanted Big D to herself. My theory is that she just doesn't like it much when the attention isn't on her. She's mature enough now to realize that she isn't the center of the universe (although she sometimes needs reminding) so it doesn't happen all the time. I don't particularly remember her wanting to marry her dad and she definitely doesn't want to be me, which is good.

It's good for me to have reminders that I'm a role model. Scary thought, that.

Is it time for lunch?

I really wish I had something clever and amusing to say. I read other people's blogs and online journals and think, gosh, I wish I was that interesting. And all I can bring myself to do here is gaze at my own navel and think of . . . nothing! Ok, maybe not nothing. I'm thinking about coffee and lunch. How's that for fascinating.

I finally signed up for a fiction writing class. And I love it. And everyone in the class is so smart and literate and, so far, what I've read of their writing is really good. So now I have to come up with something to post and I'm absolutely frozen. I can come up with characters, sort of. My problem is that I can't think of anything interesting for them to do. My teacher said to figure out what my characters want and then throw obstacles in front of them. That sounds so easy! But everything that pops into my head has already been done. I am so derivative!

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a scientist because I thought it would be cool to discover new things. But then I realized that there would be nothing new to be discovered by the time I was actually old enough to be a scientist. Now I want to be a writer and everything worth writing has already been written. That really sucks. I think I'll go eat lunch.

Stress, stress and more stress

So here's the latest . . . we feel it's important to allow A-Girl to be in the Sound of Music and to live in Asia for a little while. It really is a once in a lifetime opportunity (and as my husband and I joke, it could lead to other once in a lifetime opportunities). I can't really get any significant time off of my job and I make enough to support the family for a while so, Big D is leaving his job to take A-Girl.

It's a huge leap of faith. One we take willingly but with some trepidation. We simply decided that we didn't want to let money get in the way of A-Girl's chance to do something she's worked so hard to do. And something she really wants to do as well. I'm pretty sure I've already said this but it's akin to having a child that has an opportunity to be in the Olympics - would you pass that up? So, we'll do without window treatments and rugs for another year. Big deal. So I have to cut wayyyyyy back on my Starbucks habit. I'll survive. I think. We probably won't take a vacation next year. The point is, we'll be fine financially. So why shouldn't we do this?

But it's scary - even if our reasoning is sound. And believe me, we've been over and over the pros and cons of this decision and, frankly, it ended up being not as close a call as people might think.

So, it looks like A-Girl is going to Asia after all. I won't get to go, except for a one or two week visit with M-Girl. But that's ok. I'll miss A-Girl and Big D terribly. It'll be hard to be a single mom for five months. But M-Girl and I will be fine and she'll get more attention than she's ever had. And that's not a bad thing. I actually fear that she'll get too used to having all that attention and it'll be downright hard on her when A-Girl comes home!

There's so much to do before they go - it's only two months away. Funny, I used to think the summers were sooooo loooonggg when I was a kid. Now I know better.

Yeah summer camp!

The kids started camp yesterday. Including my two girls, there are eight kids in our building that are attending the same camp and seven of them ride the bus together. There's also two other little girls that get dropped off at our building to take the bus. Mornings will be fun this summer - the kids all like each other and they run around in front of our building like maniacs. It's like a little community - the kind people in the suburbs talk about - only we get to live in the city.

M-Girl actually woke up on her own this morning and got dressed without any prompting, cajoling or yelling from her parents. All hail the mighty swim class - she knew that she'd get to wear her bathing suit to camp this morning and that's the only reason she got out of bed. Whatever it takes, I always say. Did you know that M-Girl means "queen of the sea" in Welsh? Well, it does. And although she was terrified of the water at first, she is now officially a fish. She still can't really swim without water wings but I think by the end of the summer she be able to swim at least a little bit without help.

Ok, this is as boring for me to write as it is for you to read. So I'll be going now.

What would you do?

I got on the bus this morning with the girls - A-Girl is 7 1/2 and M-Girl is not quite 5. Keep in mind that although A-Girl looks like a 9 or 10 year old, M-Girl is a little peanut. The bus was very crowded and every seat was full. Not one person offered their seat to M-Girl.

A couple weeks ago, my husband and I were on the bus. A cab unexpectedly stopped short in front of the bus and the bus driver had to slam on the brakes. Everyone standing went flying forward and my husband cut his hand on a piece of metal. I told my kids this story this morning as a warning and an explanation why they had to hold on tight. I told this story within ear shot of several people. Still - no one budged.

I'm sorry but I would have given up my seat immediately for a small child. Mind you - there were many able-bodied, young people that sat there and stared at us as I continually urged M-Girl to hold on to the pole with both hands. I was holding a briefcase and a purse and trying to make sure that two kids were safe - would it have been too much for ONE PERSON to give up their seat?

On top of that, before the bus came, the girls and I tried to get a cab. A woman at the bus stop saw us unsuccessfully trying to flag down a cab. Apparently, she decided that she too wanted to take a cab, so she walked just a little in front of me and started waving for a cab. She was trying to steal a cab from me and my kids. That's just rude - I called her on it, too. Nicely, but I did speak to her saying that we had been trying to get a cab for 10 minutes. She walked to the other side of the street - she still would have taken a cab from us had she not walked away in frustration. I just don't get people.

The hills are not so alive . . .

So maybe we won't be going to Asia after all. Although my boss is supportive, and his boss is somewhat supportive, the head of HR was apparently very negative on the idea of accommodating me. My boss thinks we can find a way to make something work but there's probably no way I'll be able to go for three months and still get paid - even if I work every day while I'm there. He said maybe they can let me go for six weeks but that's only his idea and no one else has signed off. They're concerned about setting a "bad" precedent that will put them in the position of having to provide the same accommodation to others in similar situations (but really, this is pretty one-off, don't you think?). I understand their position - to a point - and I'm trying not to be upset about it.

Big D and I were thinking that maybe we'll say that we can only sign a contract for A-Girl that commits her until November 15th which is currently the end of the run in Hong Kong. We could each go for seven weeks and be done with it. Even that's looking like it might not work if my company insists that I limit my absence to six weeks or less.

We talked to A-Girl about it and she says that she won't be disappointed if she doesn't go. We believe her, too. She's really worried about missing her friends and she's upset that she won't have her birthday here. What happens if we do take her there and she gets so homesick she can't stay? She's had dance recitals and chorus recitals but she's never performed live in a professional venue. What if she freaks out? I don't want to underestimate her - I really do think she'd be fine but my boss (admitting that it's totally not his place to say anything) asked whether we thought jumping into the deep end was a good idea for a child who's never been in the water. He has a point. She's never done any theater - ever. As much as I loved doing theater, she might hate it. (I doubt it, but it could happen).

What should we do? I don't know. And my husband doesn't know. And we don't really want to say no to this but we're concerned about saying yes and time is ticking and the decision isn't getting any easier. Part of me totally wants to throw caution to the wind and go for it - when would we get an opportunity like this again? Part of me understands how selfish and unrealistic that is. We want to travel to China some day and we will. We can afford it, so it's not like this is the only way we'd be able to travel. A-Girl has been working fairly steadily all year. She'll get other jobs. And it's highly likely that she'll get other opportunities to do theater. Although this feels like the chance of a lifetime, it really isn't.

As much as I want to go, I'm realizing that it may not be possible. If it isn't possible, I'll be disappointed. But it isn't about me, is it?

Tough decisions

So now that the excitement over A-Girl's job offer is dying down a little, we're working on the difficult issues like how the hell are we going to work out who goes with her, when and for how long. Big D and I both have full time jobs. We're talking to our bosses and they're supportive but there's this sticky issue about compensation. We definitely can't afford to lose our compensation or health benefits. The question is, how much of a reduction in our compensation are we willing to suffer in order for A-Girl to do this? It's not like A-Girl will get paid a ton of money and they'll only pay for one round-trip ticket for a guardian to join her. If we have to swap out guardians once or twice it's on our dime (or, more likely, A-Girl's dime). We have some friends, former babysitters and family members that might be willing to go. But we either don't really trust those people to do the job or they can't leave their lives for more than a week or two and that just won't work airfare-wise.

Then there's the impossible to quantify issue of M-Girl's feelings. How will she feel being without one parent and her only sibling for several months? On the one hand, she'll be an only child for the first time in her life but she'll have a single parent. She might feel left out, the at-home parent might feel more stressed. On the other hand, it might be nice to have just two people in the house for a little while.

Being totally honest, I would personally really love to go to Asia. I think it will be a great opportunity, not only for A-Girl, but for me, too. This fact is something that bothers my husband more than a little. He feels that I'm too invested in having A-Girl go and that my desire to go will render me unable to make a decision that's right for the whole family. And he's probably right, at least to a point. I see this as an opportunity for me to do something different, to spend at least a little time writing and working on some creative endeavors that I can't seem to find the time or energy for right now. That's not to say that I would press to go no matter what. If my boss says that I would have to take an upaid leave and lose my health benefits unless I pay the premiums, that would clearly be a deal-breaker - at least as far as me going for any longer than a few weeks. If I really thought that M-Girl would be crushed and that it would ruin her life if we did this, that would be a deal-breaker, too. I just don't think either of those extreme scenarios is the likely outcome. As usual, the likely outcome is somewhere in the gray area where decisionmaking is hard.

Is it selfish for me to want something for myself and to try to factor my desires into the situation? How important should money be in this situation? Clearly we aren't doing this for the money but is it appropriate for us to lose more money on the deal than A-Girl could possibly make? How much can we ask M-Girl to sacrifice for her sister - especially since she's too young to be a participant in the decision?

I find myself wondering how families of Olympic hopefuls handle their situations. They aren't doing it for the money, that's for sure. Often their significant sacrifices are over a period of many years, not months. And in the end, their payoff is highly uncertain. The payoff to us is uncertain as well, but this can't hurt A-Girl's career. On the other hand, if she stays here, she could (hopefully) continue to book commercials and she'll likely get other opportunities to do theatrical work during the time she would have been out of the country. She can join the Chicago Children's Choir this year instead of next year. She won't have to miss her friends and her sister won't have to miss her. And my husband and I can keep our day jobs. But we won't get to live in Asia for four months. What's that experience worth? That's the $64,000 question that I can't answer. And it's driving me nuts.

What the . . ?

Ok - so my husband was walking to meet me and the girls at the local Blockbusters and he saw an accident. A valet parker apparently backed up through an intersection, lost control of his car and hit a parked car. Luckily, no one was hurt. However, because the owner of the parked car wasn't around and because valet parkers are as dangerous as drunk drivers, my husband called 911. (There's a whole long story here that I won't bore you with).

Anyway, my husband and I are eventually face to face with the culprit, waiting for the cops to get there. When he complains that we've called the cops, I say "You could have killed someone." He says, "I made a mistake. My brakes don't work good, that's why I hit the other car." So I say "You were driving that you KNOW has defective brakes?!?" He says "Oh, you know everyone drives with defective brakes all the time!" He follows this up with "I back up through that intersection ALL the time and I've never killed anyone." Oh, ok. Sheesh. Thank goodness the cops finally showed up. They were very nice (to us, not so much to Mr. Defective Brakes).

She's going to Asia!

Well, A-Girl got the role of Marta in the Asian tour of Sound of Music! We're thrilled and not a little shell-shocked. She's very excited, although she's worried about missing her friends. This is the child who, several times a day during our vacation last February, would ask us what time it was at home. She'd then tell us what her class was probably doing at that moment. It'll be tough for her to be gone for four or five months, knowing that her friends are home together. She and I talked about the possibility of her starting an online diary/journal that her friends can read and comment on. I even suggested that maybe we'll see if her 3rd grade class can start a blog so they can tell her what's going on at school. It'll be a good education for everyone. Starting in 1st grade, kids in her school write in their journals daily. This will get her to write daily and it'll be a great record of the things she did during her time in Asia.

Because Big D and I both have full time jobs, figuring out who is going to be with A-Girl and when is going to be interesting. Big D already talked to his boss and now she's talking to her boss (and so on, and so on). I'm going to talk to my boss on Monday. He's always been very accommodating to me with respect to A-Girl's budding career. I think he will do what he can to make this possible for us. Much of what I do can be done from anywhere in the world with an internet hookup so I'm hoping I can leave for three or four months but still get paid and keep my benefits (I don't ask for much, do I?). I guess we'll see. Pretty much everyone we know has offered to go for awhile but paying for airfare every other week is really not in our budget. Realistically, it would be tough for anyone to take more than a couple of weeks away from their lives (and paychecks) and we can't afford to pay someone to be with her. Besides, we want to be there, too!